BY DANNY BAKER

THE exquisite story of the curryhouse waiter who nearly bought Carlisle United has been wrung dry of every nuance of absurdity this week and quite right too. Like most everybody else following this tremendous tale, I eagerly logged on to the Internet hoping to get the official Carlisle website angle on proceedings, only to find that a Carlisleunited.com doesn't exist. In fact there is only one site dedicated to the Cumbrians, an unofficial work, and that is at www.cufconline.org.uk. (Not quite true, Danny, but what the heck? - Al)

Here, there are all kinds of outraged hurrumphs and official rumblings
from local dignitaries reflecting on the farce and a poll that puts the whole mess well and truly in the shade. For the question the fans are
invited to vote on with their clickers is: Should Carlisle Join The Scottish League? I must say I have never heard of such a cockeyed proposal before. Do the Scots know about this? It is quite fantastical.

It also brings one step closer to reality one of the first skewed images I ever had about football. As a five-year-old, because of the way that league tables were reproduced in newspapers, I really did believe that whichever club came bottom of the English fourth division dropped straight into the Scottish first.

Now, it appears they will. How much more teasing can poor tottering
Scots football take? It does even the swankiest Celtic supporter no good at all, as he sits in his executive box popping in smoked salmon blinis two at a time, a glass of cassis agreeably at his elbow, to know that the division his heroes sit atop is little more than the English landfill site.

Worse, it's a division that supporters of Carlisle United are 87 per cent against having any truck with whatsoever. Conversely, of course, 13 per cent of supporters clearly think it is about time Carlisle legged it north and began giving severe Sassenach soccer lessons to Rangers, Morton, Motherwell, and all those other stumblebums up there in the wilderness.

I must say this is the motion I voted for and I hope many more of you will now log on to the above address and join the cause because I, for one, would love to eventually live in a world where the top three teams in the Scottish Premier are Carlisle, Torquay United and Leyton Orient. By then, of course, my own Millwall will have joined the Moroccan first division which, even by Scottish standards, is invitingly ripe for the taking. . .

Conceding a last-minute winner at Macclesfield. Somehow, despite being one up with 10 minutes to play, you just knew we were going to lose.

A Few Words About The Gaffer:

8.5/10. Ian Atkins is new to the club so I can't say really until we've seen how his players perform. On reputation alone, I'd give him eight and a half.

Style Of Play:

Last season we played a different formation every week, very few of which worked. This season? Probably 5-1-4 with long balls up to strikers.

High Point:

There weren't many to choose from as you can appreciate, but winning 1-0 at Chester with Scott Dobie's injury-time screamer was clearly tops.

Low Point:

I could say the whole season, but a 4-0 defeat at home to Hull on April Fool's Day was wretched.

Player Of The Season:

Luke Weaver, our goalkeeper. Without him, we'd have gone down, I'm sure of it. We didn't win a league game when he was out injured, which shows how much we rely on him.

Must Try Harder:

Richard Tracey. I know a few of his friends (family actually but they changed that bit - Al) and even they seem to agree reluctantly. He can do well for us if he has a manager who'll give him a bollocking every now and again.

Best Goal For:

Bizarrely, for a struggling side, there were several. I think I'd go for John Durnin's second goal against Peterborough. His first that game wasn't too shabby either. Shame about Johnny's other extra-curricular interests.

Best Goal Against:

The very first one by Alex Inglethorpe of Leyton Orient in the opening game of the season stands out as particularly good.

Noisiest Away Fans:

Darlington - backed up by their chairman, George Reynolds, who was sat among them. He's never quiet.

Best Player Against:

Jamie Forrester of Northampton impressed me. Don't suppose he fancies a trip to Cumbria?

Last Year's Funniest Chant:

"You're going home in a Fisher Price ambulance" overheard at an away game being chanted at a group of small kids.

How About A New Nickname?

The Jammy Bastards, after finishing 23rd for the past two seasons. Will our luck hold out?

Player To Watch This Year:

A lot of them have left, but, fingers crossed, Steve Skinner could make an impact.

If Your Team Was A TV Show?

Probably Emergency 999 because our team last season was an accident waiting to happen.

words: Alastair Woodcock

Position this season - Head 18th
Position this season - Heart 18th

We asked 'webmasters' from our forthcoming opponents to give us the current low-down on life as a supporter of their respective clubs

This issue three out of the five webmasters responded to our questionnaire. Thanks therefore go to the following:
Carlisle United (CU) - Alastair Woodcock, Darlington (D) - Andy Short, Swansea City (SC) - Gary Martin

How do you think your team will do this season ?

CU : At the start of the season, I predicted 12th place, so I'll stick with that.
D : Automatic promotion
SC : Mid-table to scraping play-offs

Have you any players, both good and bad, that we should look out for ?

CU : If he's still around, on-loan winger Tommy Black could be a handful. Pacy, and with the ability to beat defenders, he's already looking like our most dangerous player. Arsenal would want at least 500k for him, so our best hope is to secure a season's loan deal. Peter Clark could be one to pressurise. Occasionaly makes mistakes from left-back, although good going forward.
D : The one and only Marco Gabbiadini. Neil Heaney looks like a good signing but hasn't played many games yet.
SC : Good : Freestone - keeper, Bound & Smith - centre backs, Appleby & Roberts - wingers. Bad : None really - they were transferred out close season. The rest can be pretty mediocre most of the time.

How do you rate your manager and chairman ?

CU : Manager Martin Wilkinson I rate highly. He seems to be able to spot good players even when others may disregard them. He plucked Paul Baker (aged 36) out of obscurity and the fans groaned but he scored two goals in his first two games and looked to be relishing his return to league football. Michael Knighton at least has the high profile to make us a club that is attractive to the media. Sometimes they come to have a good laugh at Knighton; sometimes he has got them here because of what he has achieved. He is a shrewd businessman, a controversial chairman and a lousy manager.
D : Chairman and manager have got 100% backing from nearly all fans.
SC : Stubborn and skint bullshitter respectively.

How does your away supporters accomodation compare to that provided by other clubs in the Third Division ?

CU : Away fans get a comfortable seat in our new East Stand under cover. Probably the plushest accomodation in Div 3. The pies are quite tasty too !
D : Away fans are situated in a crap small stand at the side of the pitch although the view is better than a lot of other grounds as it's raised above ground level.
SC : Don't know - never been in our away end. We finished 91st out of 92 in the Colman's survey last season. At least it's all standing under cover.

Will we be welcome in your social club before and after the match? If not, where would you recommend visiting fans go for a drink ?

CU : Head for the Woodrow Wilson pub in Botchergate because there probably won't be any fans in there. It's a posh pub so Halifax fans may stick out like a sore thumb. So would I because I also come from Yorkshire (God's country, on a par with Cumbria).
D : Have a look at the guide for visiting supporters on my website : http://www.dfconline.co.uk
SC : The club is in the Centre Stand - so unless you pay £13 to get in, it's n/a. The Internet fraternity meet in the Builders - there's no hassle for away supporters.

Where is the best place to park ?

CU : In the car park.
D : Street parking next to ground off Victoria Road.
SC : Hmmm! Street parking is free but the County Hall opposite the prison is very good for £1.

What's the food like in the ground ?

CU : Better than average but overpriced like anywhere else.
D : Don't know. Never eaten at a match although the food is supposed to be a lot better this season.
SC : Crap.

Division three tip for the top ?

CU : Swansea City, otherwise Darlington.
D : Darlington or Brighton.
SC : Darlington.

Tip for the drop ?

CU : Torquay, but they seem to be doing better than I expected. Chester or Shrewsbury might be a more realistic bet at the moment.
D : One from three : Hartlepool, Mansfield or Chester.
SC : Carlisle. (Bloody well hope not - Al)

Trevor Bugg goes on line with Carlisle United webmaster Alastair Woodcock

With a 600-mile round trip to contend with, you wouldn't normally expect their visit to Swansea to be a red-letter day on Carlisle United's calendar. This year, they are delighted to be at The Vetch as - but for a goal that makes the most extreme Roy of the Rovers plot plausible - the Cumbrians days out to Football League grounds could now be over.

With Scarborough's mid-week win against Plymouth Argyle, United kicked-off their last game of last season in bottom place of the Football League. They would drop down to the Conference if they didn't achieve a better final day result than the Seadogs.

As they had won only two matches since January, the prospects looked bleak. It looked even worse when the Brunton Park visitors, again Plymouth Argyle, took the lead just after half time but soon managed to draw level. Across on the East Coast, Boro completed a 1-1 draw with Peterborough and, believing United had also been held, prematurely celebrated their League survival.

In one of the games most remarkable moments, as the champagne corks popped in North Yorkshire, a loanee goalkeeper called Jimmy Glass trooped up field to add his support a Carlisle United corner-kick. With four minutes of injury time played, the ball fell invitingly to Glass. His shot flew into the back of the net and Cumbria's only Football League club had been saved.

Just imagine the scenes at Brunton Park. As ever, loyal supporter Alastair Woodcock was there. He runs the unofficial website Carlisle United Online as has extra reason to recall the reaction: "I was pretty sure we were doomed, as did most people around me. The last thing I thought when Jimmy ran up was that he would score. After the game, I hung around to watch players come out and see them throw their shirts to the crowd. It's funny, but I wanted to get away and see the reaction on the news!

"We were on all the bulletins and featured around the world. On my website the following day, I got over 1,000 hits, which is a record."

The close season has passed with continued drama and intrigue. Owner Michael Knighton has stepped down as chairman, the largely unknown Keith Mincher was appointed manager and left in days and was replaced by Martin Wilkinson - whose brief managerial career lasted eight months at Peterborough in 1982/83.

Starting at the top, Alastair surveys the new season scene: "Mr Knighton has resigned as chairman and gone to live in London. However, he has been present at virtually all our pre-season games and it seems he will not be taking a back seat. In fact, one of the newly appointed board members, John Smart, has said he will be trying to persuade him to return as chairman.

"The club has been up for sale almost from the day Knighton bought it, according to him. This year it seemed he was really serious about selling up and we had Brooks Mileson, an insurance tycoon who lives locally, come in and make big noises about buying it. Mr Knighton claimed there were rival bids coming in and Mileson withdrew. These other bids have yet to be revealed though."

The managerial situation is also shrouded in mystery. After only five months in charge, Nigel Pearson was dismissed despite keeping the club up. Although a supporter for 27 years, the ensuing sequence was a new experience for the Cumbrian webmaster: "Mincher was completely unknown to me, only that he had been at Leeds for a long time in the eighties and had been at Bristol City and, latterly, Nottingham Forest. He was in the job officially for a week. The club version of events is that he discovered - somewhat belatedly - that he had a contract in the US he had to honour."

With Mincher on his way, up stepped Martin Wilkinson: "He was appointed chief scout in early 1998. To say he arrived unnoticed would be an understatement. Most fans only became aware of him towards the end of last season when he was in the news for capturing two of our best young players, Peter Clark and Stu Whitehead. I think he will be employed as an overseer of the coaching side of things."

Thankfully, its now back on to the field and on with the action. Last Saturday's opening day win against Leyton Orient was a timely boost: "We had a big fright last time and some of the complacency will have been shaken out of the club. Most fans would settle for a mid-table finish. For once, the bookies don't fancy us for promotion. That may be to our advantage. For some players, there'll be a sharp learning curve. We are still a young squad, but that means I can see us improving in the second half of the season and coming good near the end."

We are potentially a big club, the only pro outfit in a vast area which produces dozens of players. But last season couldn't have gone much worse, save for Mr Glass's last-gasp heroics. Michael Knighton started out in charge of the team and we were heading for the big drop until the appointment of Nigel Pearson. We all thought it was the start of a new era; we were wrong. Thank god for divine intervention and Jimmy the hero. Our new manager, Keith Mincher (OK, so the deadline for submissions came before KM walked out - Al) is an unknown but we have brilliant fans who travel miles to support the team and we should be Okay.

Carlisle in a nutshell The best club in the world....err, okay, Cumbria then

Defining moment of 1998/99 Jimmy Glass's goal in the 94th minute of the last game of the season. There's never been a more remarkable goal - ever.

And the funniest Billy Barr's crazy own goal at Brentford

Worst away ground Darlington, because the game's always called off just as you are arriving

Wildest rumour A merger with Clydebank. It wasn't a rumour as such, it turned out to be a serious proposal

Perennial excuse for failure We're Cumbrians, so we don't make excuses, we just moan about Michael Knighton

In an ideal world We'd merge with Newcastle United, the new club would be known as Carlisle United

Nightmare scenario Last season would happen all over again and this time the ball would fall to Tony Hopper in the penalty area - doh! (Okay, so this was written before he slammed in that goal against Motherwell, alright ? - Al)

Tune the team should run out to The Boys in Blue by Cannon and Ball

The Brunton (not Burnden, as MOTD put it!) Park experience The smell of cuisine wafting up from the East Stand and the possible sight of sheep grazing in nearby Rickerby Park

Mascot Olga (anagram of goal) the Fox

Get excited about The fact we are still in the Football League and we might also have a new owner (hmmm. fat chance of that now ? - Al)