Player Playwrights run regular competitions amongst members for sketches meeting a range of different requirements. These are some of the best entries together with other quality sketches written by members for other reasons. We hope you will find, from this collection of both serious and comic sketches, a selection to suit every kind of occasion. Since these sketches vary considerably in length, we have packaged them into booklets of equal size, containing three, four or five sketches with similar themes in the hope that this will make it easier for you to find the kind of sketches you are particularly looking for. Click on link to jump to short description.
| Sketch | Title | Price |
| S/B 001 | NEMESIS OF THE DAMNED | £1.75 |
| S/B 002 | BITTER SWEET | £1.75 |
| S/B 003 | A SLIGHT MISUNDERSTANDING | £1.75 |
| S/B 004 | IDIOTS AT BAY | £1.75 |
| S/B 005 | BARE ESSENTIALS | £1.75 |
| S/B 006 | CONFUSION REIGNS, OK? | £1.75 |
| S/B 007 | VERGIN' ON THE RIDICULOUS | £1.75 |
| S/B 008 | SHOP TALK | £1.75 |
| S/B 009 | PRIZE GUYS | £1.75 |
| S/B 010 | CRY THE WOLVES | £1.75 |
| S/B 011 | SEX AND LOONIES | £1.75 |
| S/B 012 | FAIRIES AND TARTS | £1.75 |
| S/B 013 | A PROBLEM SOLVED |
£1.75 |
| S/B 014 | THE MATING SEASON |
£1.75 |
| S/B 015 | THE IMPENDING DOOM |
£1.75 |
Three sketches with a common theme,
nemesis. The first and second portray two very different aspects
of revenge, the third provides an intriguing insight into the
secrets and practical moralities of espionage.
S/M 001 THE
MAN ON THE ROAD by Peter
Thompson for one man and one woman (10 minutes)
A young woman has given a lift to a traveller on the road, an
Irishman whom she passed not a mile from the high security
prison. Who is this apparently unknown stranger, and who is she?
And why is she really living there? As they gingerly share ham
and potatoes it gradually transpires that neither is quite what
they seem.
Characters:
Brendan, Irish accent, late thirties;
Helen, English, also late thirties.
S/M 002 SIX
O'CLOCK DROP by John
Grange for two men plus one voice (male or female) (6 minutes)
A man has lost his daughter to a brutal killer. The murderer is
due to be executed in the electric chair at 6 am recisely. The
father of the murdered girl thinks a quick end is far too good
for her killer but how can he make him suffer more? It so happens
that the grieving father works in the control room of the local
electric power station......
Characters:
Peter, 50's, American;
Lance, 50's, American;
Newsreader, voice only, American.
S/M 003 THE RECKONING
by Nicholas Rose for one man and one woman (10 minutes)
A man arrives for an interview with a very senior civil servant.
He has followed his instructions precisely so nobody actually
knows where he is. His interviewer goes through his life history
with suspiciously accurate precision. What ever is this interview
leading to? He is not left in doubt for long. They've known for
years that he was an espionage agent for the Russians. His final
' reward ',is to be exchanged for a valuable Russian defector!
Characters:
Oxford, 50's, quiet;
Civil servant, female, competent.
S/B 002 BITTER
SWEET
Four emotive sketches to make you reach
for your hankie. From the terrible sadness of young death and
unfeeling youth, to the pathos of misunderstanding and the
poignant reminiscences of old age.
S/M 004 THE
INTERPRETER by John Grange for
two men and one woman (voice only) (6 minutes)
John, a young soldier, mortally wounded and lying in a hospital
bed, receives a 'Dear John' letter from his fiancee. An army
doctor reads the letter to him, but the words he reads are not
the same as those that are written, as we hear from a voice over.
John dies without discovering that Josephine has broken off their
engagement to go off on holiday with another young man.
Characters:
John, 20, dying;
Captain March, kindly;
Josephine, 20, thoughtless.
S/M 005 IN
ROOMS LIKE THESE by Lindy Newns
for two men and three women (6 minutes)
Julia is just ten years old. She has been in hospital most of her
life, now she is to have a liver transplant. But Julia is tired
-tired of all the struggle and the never going to be a proper
girl, but how does she tell her mother that? In the end there is
no need.
Characters:
Linda, 30's;
Derek, 30's;
Doctor, female;
Danny, 20's;
Julia, 10.
S/M 006 BLINKERED by Peter Horsler for one man and two women (8
minutes)
Betty tells her husband's sister, Doreen, how he has been driving
her mad ever since they married. When he comes in and starts
pretending the house is a railway station and he a guard, we
wonder how she has stuck it all these years. Doreen discovers
that Fred believes it is Betty that loves trains. He in fact
hates them! When he finally realises what a mistake he's been
making all these years he asks, pathetically, 'what are we going
to find to talk about?'.
Characters:
Doreen, Betty and Fred, all middle-aged and working class.
S/M 007 FOREVER
FLOWERS by Chris Vervain for two
women (6 minutes)
A nice little mood piece about two elderly sisters evidently now
living in their old home, reminiscing over tea in the garden.
"It is a special occasion", says Iris, "The cherry
blossom is out. It looks just like your pink tutu used to
look". Daphne, reminded, gets up slowly, drops her stick and
moves her arm gracefully into first, second and third positions.
Would go well between two comic pieces. Characters:
Both elderly and middle-class
S/B
003 A SLIGHT MISUNDERSTANDING
Three of these short sketches take place in
restaurants, and two in solicitor's offices. Dining out are a
husband and wife and a boss and the new recruit, then we move to
wartime France to visit the Cafe de Flore. The solicitors are
interviewing a divorcing husband and a dishy young American.
S/M 008 SCRATCH
A ROMANCE by Peter Horsler for
two men and one woman (6 minutes)
A husband and wife are smugly celebrating their 25 years of
marriage at a restaurant. All is perfect at first and we hear
nothing but sugary mutual compliments. But this fantasy begins to
wear thin as they progressively reveal what they really think of
each other. They end up scrapping, just like any other married
couple.
Characters:
Henry, 50-60;
Marjorie, bit younger,
Claude, a waiter.
S/M 009 THE
NEW CHAP by Jacquie Reed for two
men (4 minutes)
Two men are sitting at a table in a pizza restaurant. Molar, the
younger man, is an upper class twit. The older man, Fortescue, is
a well-spoken senior civil servant. It appears that Molar has
just joined the department. Whilst his ability to misunderstand
everything that's said to him has made him unsuitable for any
other work, it is just what the department needs.
Characters:
Molar, 20's, twit;
Fortescue, 40's, well-spoken.
S/M 010 CAFE
DE FLORE by Peter Gardiner for
four men and two women ( 8 minutes)
In 1940's Paris, Bubal and Henriette have come up from the south
to set up a 'revolutionary' cafe but their bicycles have been
stolen. Jean Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir arrive with plans
to set up their own resistance faction, only to discover the
bikes they've recently bought are the ones that have been stolen.
And all in rhyme!
Characters:
Paul Bubal (Bub), 40's, gruff;
Henriette (Hen), 40's, more refined;
Xavier (Stud), 20's, anarchist;
Martin Smythe (Pol), 30's, obviously English;
Jean Paul Sartre (JPS), small, intelligent;
Simone de Beauvoir (SDB), dominating.
S/M 011 THE
INHERITANCE by Bruce McLaren for
two men (6 minutes)
Douglas, a rather cocky little man, has been summoned by his
solicitor to hear the latest in his tussle for settlement with
his recently divorced wife. It becomes clear that there's not
going to be much left, except, Douglas learns, she's decided not
to pursue her claim to a share of anything he may inherit from
his father. Then he hears why.
Characters:
Solicitor, bumbling;
Douglas, cocky.
S/M 012 THE PROFESSIONALS by Peter Thompson for one man and one woman (6
minutes)
The Senior partner of Bracegirdles, an old established London
firm of Solicitors, is talking business with a dishy 'solicitor'
from Los Angeles who wishes to start up in London. Unfortunately
each mistakes the nature of the other's business. He is a lawyer
but she is, well, ............
Characters:
Bracegirdle, middle-aged, well-spoken;
Dinah-Dee, young, American, attractive.
S/B 004 IDIOTS
AT BAY Four comedy sketches by John Grange
Four very different comedy sketches from
the pen of this author, moving from the Court of the Emperor
Franz Joseph, through the maze of Maastricht, the over
informative interview with the new recruit who turns out to be
the Chairman's nephew, to the rebellious grumblings of the panto
committee.
S/M 013 VILLAGE
CASES for five men and
one woman (8 minutes)
Emperor Franz Joseph's most eminent judge has come to hear cases
from the villages. He hates village cases. The first case
concerns two people from the village of liars, all the
inhabitants of which are congenital liars. It should be evident
both sides are telling lies but things are not quite as simple as
that. The judge finally arrives at a 'just' solution.
Characters:
Judge, domineering;
Todt, officious;
Venker, persistent;
Hassell, resigned;
Ludwig, simple;
Fraulein Schmid, country girl.
S/M 014 THE
RIGHT TO GO RIGHT for two men
and one woman (6 minutes)
Hard-pressed civil servant, Oscar, has an awkward customer to
interview. Stanley insists the Maastricht Treaty gives all
European citizens the same rights and has been driving
persistently on the wrong side of the road to make his point. In
despair Oscar has him sectioned, then discovers that the wife,
far from being furious, is relieved. She has been scared out of
her wits by his antics. He'll be released in 2002, Oscar tells
her, the expected date by which we will be driving on the right
in the UK!
Characters:
Stanley, elderly and stubborn;
Oscar, 40'ish, slightly sinister;
Gloria, 50's, unassuming.
S/M 015 THE
INDUCTION MEETING for two men
and one woman (6 minutes)
A study of wheeling and dealing within the purchasing department
of a large company. The head of this department has got
everything buttoned up, to his advantage. He is now engaging a
new recruit, a seventeen year old, and explains the ropes. Too
late, he discovers that the new recruit is in fact the Chairman's
nephew.
Characters:
Heptyle, 50's;
Tarquin, 17;
Miss Goodbody, 30's.
S/M 016 PANTO TIME
for three men and two women (6 minutes)
A pantomime committee meeting is drawing to a close, but Barry
wants to raise some 'other business'. He is not happy about his
part. Principal boy is supposed to be a girl! Then everybody
joins in. No-one, it seems, likes the new idea of rotating parts
regardless of age, size or gender.
Characters:
Marcus, authoritative,
Barry, ordinary,
Sid, rather short;
Samantha, long suffering;
Pamela. bit gushy.
S/B 005 BARE
ESSENTIALS
Four very different sketches, with a range
of venues from the Garden of Eden to a love nest, a launderette
where two actors need to represent laundry machinery and a
weirdly furnished house that needs the acting to be almost
entirely in mime.
S/M 017 THE
NAKED TRUTH by Harold Langshaw
for two animals (male) and one woman (8 minutes)
In a clearing in the forest, Snake and Leo see a strange 'animal'
in the shrubbery and try to decide what it could be. Are those
two big lumps on its chest its food or some kind of disease?
Suddenly, it speaks to them. She's lost her 'boss'. Their
transporter was damaged and their communicator system went down
so they had to land. 'Eve' her name is, and she is strictly
forbidden to eat the fruit from something called the 'tree of
knowledge'. 'Ah', says Snake.....
Characters:
Snake, crawly, emphasises his S's;
Leo, condescending;
Eve, young female, upper class.
S/M 018 PILLOW
TALK by Peter Gardiner for one
man and one woman (6 minutes)
Mike, in his 40's, and 25 year old Sally have been making love.
Afterwards, they fall to chatting. 'The pattern of freckles on
your bum are just like someone I used to know', says Mike. So
they start discussing their respective backgrounds and find they
both grew up in Basildon. Mike had abandoned a girl long ago,
when she'd got pregnant. Sally never knew her father and had left
home at 16 to set up on her own, using an assumed name.'Real name
's Simpson' she says. Mike stares at her - his face tells all.
Characters:
Mike, 40's, cultivated and gentle;
Sally, 25, attractive.
S/M 019 WASH
AND DRY by Charles Ford for one
man and two women (one non-speaking) ( 8 minutes)
Characters are a well-spoken drier (male) and an ill-tempered
washing machine (female) in a launderette. The washer is
bemoaning the fact that she is constantly mistreated by the
humans, especially by that 'tatty old tart' Phyllis Stein. While
they are talking, Phyllis comes in and starts loading an enormous
quantity of mixed washing into the washer. Washing becomes so
painful to her she finally explodes, blowing her door open and
rocketing Phyllis straight into the open door of the drier which
snaps shut and starts spinning.
Characters:
Drier, male, polite; v Washer, female, course,
Phyllis, old, tatty.
S/M 020 MANTRAP MANSIONS by Ian Durrant for one man and one woman (8
minutes)
A salesman, Phillip, knocks hopefully on a door to be greeted, to
his surprise, by a young woman, Kate, who actually would like to
know about double glazing. She leads him upstairs, over, round
and under all kinds of strange obstacles till they come to an
excitingly decorated boudoir. Philip makes a hasty retreat when
it becomes apparent what Kate really wants. She leaves him to
wander hopelessly round her house while she answers the phone.
'Yes' she'd love to buy the Encyclopedia Brittanica. 'Yes,
tomorrow'.
Characters:
Phillip, young, nervous.
Kate, young, sexy
Kate, young, sexy.
S/B 006
CONFUSION REIGNS, OK?
Confusion reigns indeed. From Maud's
inexcusable muddles, the almost totally inept dramatic club, the
avaricious Scots Laird to the unfortunate mixup over which twin
was which.
S/M 021 THE
DAY THOU GAVEST, MAUD by Harold
Langshaw for two men and three women (6 minutes)
The monthly meeting of St Lude's parochial council is over,
except for 'any other business' The subject of poor attendance is
raised but is side-stepped by Maud's complaints about no help
with the parish magazine. But this is a great mistake because,
one after another, the other members list all the faults and
misprints she has produced until, finally, they discover that
even the date of this meeting is wrong!
Characters:
Vicar, mid 50's, other worldly;
Vaughan, 30's, arrogant;
Jenny, 20's, business-like;
Naomi, 40's, domineering;
Maud, 50's, timid.
S/M 022 MELODRAMA by Peter Horsler for two men and three
women (6 minutes)
It's the first night of the village dramatic club's new
production. Rehearsals have not gone well so the prompter is
being kept busy. She has to be on stage because some of the cast
are rather deaf, and some are under the impression this is only a
dress rehearsal.
Characters:
Sir Jasper, crusty,
Millicent, middle aged,
Millicent's father, oldish, gentleman,
Priscilla, bit younger,
Prompter, female, helpful.
S/M 023 THE
McAVERICE AFFAIR by Peter
Horsler for two men and two women (8 minutes)
Angus McAverice is vetting his wife's accounts when her sister
arrives unexpectedly. He orders her to be ejected until he
discovers she's brought a valuable necklace for him to look after
and hastily changes his mind.While he's opening his vault, his
wife explains she's decided its time to act. The two women agree
to knock him out, get hold of the key and finally see what he
really has in his vault, but what they don't realise is the vault
has no stairway!
Characters:
Angus, middle-aged, Scottish accent; crotchety;
Annie, middle-aged, English, apparently timid;
Dora, a bit younger, determined;, very'County';
Cringe, old, servile.
S/M 024 GRAVE MISTAKE
by Harold Langshaw for two men and two women (6 minutes)
Ellen tells Anne that her husband, George, is dead but Henry says
he's just left him. Ellen leaves the others wondering why she's
lying. George comes home anxious about his twin brother, Bernard,
who was obviously ill. He tells Ellen he gave Bernard his keys
and told him to come to the house. Ellen, in tears, says, 'He
died and was cremated and I've spent the insurance thinking it
was you'. Surprisingly, George agrees to pretend to be Bernard,
then phones his girl friend and tells her he's now officially
dead so he's moving in with her!
Characters:
Ellen, middle-aged, blousy;
Anne, 30's, smart, bubbly;
Henry,50' s, military type;
George;50' s, working class.
S/B 007 VERGIN'
ON THE RIDICULOUS
Five short, over-the-top comedy
sketches, originally written for the Two Ronnies. Milked for
laughs, all five will provide hilarious fun for both cast and
audience.
S/M 025 POST
HYPNOTIC SUGGESTION by Peter
Vincent for four men and one woman (4 minutes)
George and Henry meet at a party. George can't seem to stop
sneezing, every time food is mentioned. He's been 'put under the
influence' by the Great Mysto, just for a lark. 'Cockadoodledoo'
says Henry. 'I'm sorry, I went to see him too, it's every time
you mention a bird'. They meet Robin who shouts every time he
hears a German word and Emma who reacts whenever she hears an
apology. When the Great Mysto arrives they all expect to be
cured. 'Sorry' he says 'I've given up hypnotism now. Can't help
you'.
S/M 026 EMBARRASSING
NAMES by David Nobbs and Peter
Vincent for eight men and one woman (voice only) (6 minutes)
Another farcical situation, this one based on silly names, to
play for laughs. Seven men are sitting around a hotel reception
area. The tannoy keeps paging people - Admiral Sir Compost Heap,
Algernon Bedpan and so on. As each leaves, the others joke about
the name, only to be themselves embarrassed when the tannoy calls
them.
Characters:
Tannoy, (voice only) female;
Admiral, oldish;
Alderman, northern accent;
Etonian, very posh voice;
Bedpan, a twittish man;
Archdeacon, ponderous;
Major, military type;
Cornelius, Dutch accent;
Waiter.
S/M 027 JEALOUSY
by David Nobbs and Peter Vincent for
three men and one woman ( 4 minutes)
James and Antonia, are standing at a bar when in comes his friend
Roger.'Have you met Antonia',says James, but when Roger shakes
her hand James knocks him down. 'So sorry' he says 'I get so
terribly jealous'. But it keeps happening till finally in comes
Rupert, squeezes her bottom and walks off with her. Roger fumes
'Why didn't you thump him?' 'Don't be daft' says James, 'That was
her husband'.
Characters:
James, a very large man;
Antonia, very beautiful;
Robin, confident.
Roger, a small man.
S/M 028 DR
DE'ATH by Garry Chambers and
Peter Vincent for two men (6 minutes)
Dr De'Ath is asleep at his desk when a man, Mr Billet, comes in
and says he wants to become a patient. But everything this doctor
touches seems to die. There's a dead mouse in the filing cabinet,
his cat is lying stiff in a corner, he has almost no patients
left. The phone rings. It is a patient's wife to say her husband
has died -of tennis elbow! Billet gets more and more worried and
finally makes for the 'door', but it is the laundry chute. He
slides to his death.
Characters:
Dr De'Ath, unconcerned;
Billet, worried.
S/M 029 HOWLING MONKS
by David Nobbs and Peter Vincent for three men and three women (6
minutes)
The new recruit, just arrived from the mainland, is being
interviewed by the Abbot. First of all we are a howling order, he
says, so how's your howl? The recruit makes a feeble attempt but
promises to practice. He is looking forward to the harsh life, he
tells the Abbot 'You vain little monk. You enjoy denying yourself
life's simple pleasures', the Abbot tells him, 'You'll find no
such luxuries here'. The new monk listens in amazement to the
long list of amenities and sybaritic pleasures he is to endure
until, finally, the Abbot rings a bell and two gorgeous girls in
fishnet tights and mini habits come in and drag him off.
Characters:
Abbot, authoritative;
Cyril, young, enthusiastic;
Jackie, female, cheerful;
Gilda, young, gorgeous;
Fifi, ditto ditto;
Eustace, gay
Voices, chanting plainsong.
S/B 008 SHOP
TALK Three comedy sketches by Charles Ford
These three sketches by this author are all
based on shops. The first is a tailor's shop, the second a bookie
and the third is the village shop at Ambridge. The first two
hilariously illustrate the power of the gift of the gab and the
third is a light hearted spoof based on the 'Archers'.
S/M 030 THE
COMPLAINT for two men (8
minutes)
A client comes into a Tailor's shop with a complaint. The suit he
bought only yesterday has shrunk. The Tailor, by sheer
persistence, persuades him not only that the suit will in fact be
alright, but sells him a raincoat to go over it. Having achieved
this he then starts trying to persuade him that it should not be
taken straight out into the rain but be acclimatised gradually.
'I do a lovely line in pac-a-macs' he says.
Characters:
Taylor, middle-aged; Jewish, irrespressible;
Client, 50's, well-spoken, irate.
S/M 031 COUGH
UP for one man and one
woman (8 minutes)
Bookmaker Joe is bemoaning his run of bad luck on the phone to a
friend when 70 year old Grace comes in and slaps a betting slip
down on his counter. 'Five dog accumulator' she says, '£3249
please'. Joe finds excuse after excuse as to why her ticket is
disqualified until in despair, Grace resorts to betting on
crawling flies and finally, whether Fred the baker next door will
have any bath buns. Joe's final come-uppance comes when, with a
hasty phone call to his usually helpful friend Fred, he discovers
he's 'just popped out'.
Characters:
Joe, 50's, devious;
Grace, 70's, persistent.
S/M 032 JOE'S JUSTICE
for four men and one woman (8 minutes)
Martha Woodford is alone in the Ambridge village shop, when in
comes Tom Forrest to buy some of Jack Woolley's 'anti-brain
snatching and weight reducing packs'. There are some funny things
happening at Grey Gables these days, what with 'outer planetary
conventions' and 'little green visitors'. And everyone seems to
be behaving in a most peculiar fashion. Could it be this Jack
Woolley concoction? Joe Grundy comes in and says Jack Woolley's
gone off to Mars. What about our packs, they all ask him. Who
d'you think's been knocking it up in his shed and supplying Jack
Woolley, says Joe.
Characters:
all in their 50's or 60's with strong country accents.
S/B 009 PRIZE
GUYS
These four comedy sketches were adjudged
the winning entries, against very keen competition, in our sketch
writing competitions for 1998.
S/M 033 BOAT
FOR SALE by Denise O'Leary for
one woman and two men (8 minutes)
Jim has come in response to Mandy's advert 'Boat for Sale,
careful lady owner'.They get talking and he gradually discovers
why she is selling. Her husband fell overboard in St Kitts, then,
one after another, four other husbands had fatal accidents.
However, she may have met her match for she discovers that Jim's
wealthy wife has just died in a skiing accident, at the age of
sixty! Finally she is hailed from above, 'my husband' she says.
there is a loud yell and a big splash. 'Oh dear, I knew I should
have secured that rope', she says.
Characters
Mandy 30's, English, attractive
Jim, mid 30's, American, handsome
Antonio, foreign accent
S/M 034 DUMMY-ING
DOWN by William Gordon for one
woman and three men (10 minutes)
Mr Jones has come in answer to an advert 'Ventriloquist's dummy
for sale' but he is a bit confused because tha advert goes on to
say 'due to the owner taking a vow of silence'. So how is he to
negotiate? 'No problem' the wife says, 'it's my husband who has
taken the vow of silence, so you must negotiate with Little
Charlie himself'. However Little Charlie seems to have ideas of
his own and is certainly not very polite. Eventually Mr Jones has
had enough and leaves. Alice threatens to burn the dummy unless
her husband talks to her. 'You'll have to help me', he says.
Characters
Alice, 40's, weary but determined
John, 40's, in despair
David, 40's, naive, well-meaning
Charlie, dummy-like
S/M 035 THE
AUDITION by Adrienne Conway
Apparently dumb actress, Zoe is being interviewed for a small
part by Bernie,a sleazy, middle-aged producer and her 'over the
hill' agent. The scene is very sexy and needs to be played just
right Bernie tells her. She goes over her entrance several times
with Bernie steadily insisting on her removing her top. 'I can't
she says, I've got no bra on'. But Bernie is adamant and Zoe
finally gives way whereupon he collapses onto the floor. 'Bring
the contract', Zoe snaps. He comes round with her leaning over
him and signs it before the sight of her luscious bosoms knocks
him out again. 'You're not really a dumb blonde at all, are you'
says her agent. 'No but it's fun pretending', says Zoe.
Characters
Bernie, 50's sleazy
Raymond, middle-aged
Zoe, young, apparently dumb
S/M 036 REINVIGORATING
COMPANY by William Gordon for
one woman and two men (8 minutes)
Abigail shows a young man into Simon's office. Simon is rude to
her, demands tea and welcomes the visitor, hoping he'll be brief.
Let me start by asking you a personal question, he says, do you
remember a dog called 'Uppy'? Simon does for he had had such a
pet when he was five. Abigail comes in a drops a cup on the
floor. Simon shouts at her to get out and asks what one arth the
visitor is getting at. Gradually he lears that he man seems to
know everything about his childhood until finally the man tells
him that, at birth he was given the memories of his father,
stands up and pulls out a gun. 'And you know you killed him,
don't you', he says. Simon tries to deny it to no avail. The man
shoots him twice.
Characters
Simon, 45, brusque
Johnson, 21, reasonable sounding
Abigail, 25, nervous and clumsy
Four very different comedy sketches, the winning entries to our 1999 competitions. From weird females looking for revenge, the mind-bending mystery of a pair of brown shoes, the unforseen problems of a totally computerised house to a most peculiar sacrifice.
S/M 037 SEE IS NOT MY HAIR GREEN? by Giles Armstrong
for three women and one man (8 minutes)
Two people have the difficult job of quickly finding suitable oppressed candidates for whom they can fund a court case that has to be their last resort in relieving the sufferings of their country. They meet two weird women, one who says nothing except to keep repeating one word ‘Makatufu’, while the other has bright green hair. They seek vengeance from a man from Barnsley who long ago committed unspeakable crimes in their country. But he is long since dead, and, since the crimes were unspeakable, no-one any longer even knows what they were. But they are determined to find someone to stand trial for these crimes.
Characters
Fran, A woman
Kester, a man
Lanna, female, green hair
Jof, grotesque woman
S/M 038 THE CASE OF THE BROWN BROGUES by William Gordon
for one woman and two men (6 minutes)
This sketch ‘sends up’ an organisation. For best effect you are invited to change the names and locations to suit your own audience. It features Holmes and Watson trying to solve the mystery of why a pair of shoes, without laces, was found outside a particular door, and what possible criminal intent could be involved.
Characters
Holmes
Watson
Mrs Hudson
S/M 039 DISCONNECTED by David Kirsch Carr
for one man and one woman (8 minutes)
Mary’s house is completely controlled by a speaking computer who even tries to please her. But it can only respond to exact instructions, not ‘an hour before I wake up’ for instance. She says she is tired and instructs it to disconnect the phone, turn off the heating, secure the front door. She is about to say goodnight when it detects a fault. It appears there is an intruder in the house. It cannot phone the police because the phone is disconnected and can only be reconnected manually, however it eventually works out an ingenious way of dealing with the problem. Then it detects another fault.
Characters
Mary, 30’s
Jax, a computer
S/M 040 CRIME AND PUNISHMENT by Giles Armstrong
for one man and one woman (8 minutes)
Stegwin desperately needs to make a confession to a complete stranger. From his hotel bedroom he sends for a woman who assures him she could be executed on Tower Green, flogged and flayed, tied to horses and torn limb from limb or torn to pieces by wild wolves and never utter a word. But it appears her dearest wish is to die by being torn to bits by wolves! The frightful confession requires an equally frightful penance but when she hears what he has done she is so horrified she calls for the wolves while he makes his escape.
Characters
Stegwin, man in mid 40’s
Myra, smart young woman
S/M 041
BEDDED BLISS? by Bruce McLaren
for two women and one man(8 minutes)
Roger is despairingly trying to explain to his wife, Rosie, that he
thought it was her creeping naked into his bed last night whilst she
is equally vehemently denying it. In despair he goes out to get a
drink and Rosie tells her friend Lily he's convinced he's had 'her'
last night. When Roger returns, Rosie slips out and Lily herself
starts teasing him further, leading him to even more confusion
until in the end Roger turns the tables on both of them.
Characters:
Roger, 30s
Rosie, 30s, short, busty brunette
Lily, 30s, slim blonde
S/M 042
FRENCH LESSONS by Bruce McLaren
for two men and one woman (10 minutes)
A smartly dressed council official is doing a deal with someone
on a mobile phone before interviewing one more couple he has to
persuade to get out of their home. When Sidney and Ethel come in
he thinks it will be easy but they gradually spin him an involved
tale, about all the children they have, including a daughter who
gives 'french lessons'. He ends up promising to 'do something'
to get rid of them and, as soon as he is gone, gets back on the
mobile in a desperate attempt to save the situation.
Characters:
Man 40s, smartly dressed
Sidney 40s, scruffy
Thel 40s, scruffy but sharp
S/M 043 SNOOKERED by Charles Ford
for two men and one woman (10 minutes)
Will and Flo have dashed down to Cornwall from London in
response to a despairing phone call from an 'old and valued
friend' saying he is going to 'top himself down a well'. They
have called in at a local police station to get some help but
come up against the very peculiar Sergeant Flutter. Things go
round and round in circles until, in the end, it is the
sergeant himself who decides he is so incapable of helping
them, or anybody else, he's going to ride his bike over a
cliff.
Characters:
Joe, 50's, devious;
Will 30s
Flo 30s, fiery
S/B 012 FAIRIES
AND TARTS
A murderer who cannot understand how a
complete stranger can know exactly what he did at the 'scene of
the crime'; a committee besieged by fairy tale individuals looking
for help; a girl apprently completely detached from real life,
talking only to her computer and a disillusioned priest being
made an 'offer he can't refuse' by a sympathetic prostitute.
S/M 044 TIME
WILL TELL by William Gordon for
one woman and three men (8 minutes)
A female police inspector leaves a murder suspect with the professor
to interview, because she values the help he has given her in the past.
It gradually transpires that he knows exact details of the crime,
even down to where the murder weapon was dumped. The man is so
astonished he makes a full confession to the police. Later the
'professor' explains to the inspector how he did it and what it has
'cost' him
Characters
Police inspector, female,30s
Professor looks in his 80s
Policeman, 30s
David, 30s
S/M 045 FAIRY
STORIES by John Grange for five
women and three men (8 minutes)
A committee of three are met to interview 'another crew of wasters'
for help and they come in one after another. The first is Dorothy
who wants help for her friends, a heart for one, a brain for another
and courage for a third. Mrs Pinnocchio is worried about her boy's
wooden behaviour. Mrs Pan needs help with her son who has an apparent
mental age of about ten, Miss Snow White needs a special minibus to
carry her friends to pantomimes while Quasimodo needs a hearing aid
for Esmeralda because she 'can't hear him'.
Characters
Beryl Beria, woman, 40s
Krony, man 40s
Dr Spasm has coughing fits
Dorothy, young girl
Mrs Pinnocchio, Italian
Mrs Pan,40s
Snow White, attractive young woman
Quasimodo, ugly, hunch-backed young man
S/M 046
DOORS OF OPPORTUNITY
by Nicola Swanborough for one man, two women (10 minutes)
Robin is concentrating completely on her computer screen when
her enthusiastic sister bursts in trying to tell her about
this super man she's just met downstairs. She's invited him up,
she says, to liven up Robin's dull life. He appears to announce
that he is 'Frankie'. They are instantly attracted to each other,
especially when they discover each other's email address and
realise they already know each other.
Characters
Robin, female 30s
Frankie, male 30s
Emma 30s
S/M 047 I
DON'T DO GREEK by Brian Rogers for
one woman and one man (8 minutes)
A man is walking up and down on Waterloo Bridge, talking to himself.
It appears he is a priest, utterly disillusioned with the whole
faith business. A young woman approaches him, thinking he is a
'punter', offering her services. They get talking and he finally
confides in her, a complete stranger, what he has been hiding
even from himself. She becomes sympathetic and invites him home
to her flat for tea and crumpets and 'I'll give you a freebie'
afterwards.
Characters
Simon, 45, brusque
Man, 50s, middle class accent
Woman, cockney, exuberant, mid-20s
S/M 048 A MATTER
OF PRESENTATION by John Morrison for
three women and three men (8 minutes)
Veteran MP Harry Smith has got used to life on the back benches after
23 years. But when the call comes through offering him a junior
minister's job, he and his wife, Janet, are delighted. Unfortunately
it is all a mistake. Harry is ready to withdraw gracefully; but his
new Government driver, Valerie, has other ideas.
Characters
BBC newsreader, female (or could be male),30s
Harry Smith MP, male,60s
Janet Smith, female,60s
Valerie, Government Driver, female,30s
Prime Minister, male,50s
Chief Whip, male,50s
S/M 049 CAUGHT
by Dean Dougherty for two adults
and a schoolboy and a schoolgirl (could be played by adults in
school uniform) (8 minutes)
Two schoolchildren come home early, the young boy first and his older
sister later. One of their teachers is upstairs with mother,
purportedly catching a mouse. There are some very funny exchanges
between the youngsters as they work out what is going on and then
some delicately coded negotiations with the adults, who find that
they are the ones in the trap.
Characters
Schoolboy and schoolgirl (early teens)
Mother 30s
Schoolmaster 30s
S/M 050
THE PUZZLING PROBLEM
by William Gordon for two men and one woman (8 minutes)
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are sitting before a roaring fire
in their rooms at 221B Baker Street. Holmes is restless and
bemoans the lack of interesting cases. Watson is working hard
at something. Holmes deducing that it is a template and Watson
explains that it is a technique that encompasses all Holmes's
knowledge and methods and must be of help to police forces around
the world. Holmes is alarmed at being replaced by a template and
distracts Watson's attention, by calling Mrs Hudson, while he burns
the template. Watson is upset until Holmes explains the danger of
the template falling into the wrong 'criminal' hands eg Professor
Moriarty. Watson is mollified and together they go on to invent
the cross word puzzle!
Characters
Holmes 40s
Watson 40s
Mrs Hudson 40s
S/M 051 A WRONG ENTRY
by Lynne O'Sullivan for
three men and two women (10 minutes)
It is 1950 and Albert Cloke runs his draper's shop like a battleship.
Everything is where it should be, including Miss Tutt, the cashier
for whom he has a soft spot. Cloke feels the secret of his success
is in "giving the customer the service he deserves". When ex-Army
colleague and opportunist, Henry Parkes, turns up one day, buys a tie
and invites Miss Tutt out to tea, it is plain that he is up to no
good. Albert Cloke sees that he is served appropriately. A
heartwarming play with some nice pre-decimalisation jokes.
Characters
Albert Cloke Draper's shop proprietor, 45
Henry Parkes Commercial traveller and opportunist, 45
Charlie Shop assistant, 20s
Miss Tutt Cashier (early forties)
Rose Shop assistant, 20s
S/M 052 LYDIA
RECONSIDERS by Joanna Norland for
seven women and one man (8 minutes)
"Suddenly, I realised that Wickham was not quite so handsome as I had
initially thought. And that our back street quarters were chilly and
dank... I thought - Could London be a trap? Could Wickham be a trap?
I resolved that I must escape. But how?"
Lydia, the black sheep of the Bennet sisterhood decides to rewrite her
destiny - literally: but the decision not to sacrifice her honour runs
into unexpected opposition from her own family.
Characters
Servant, female (or could be male),40
Mr D'Arcy, male,28
Mrs Bennet, female,40s
Kitty, female,16, Lydia, female, 15, and Mary, female, 20
Elizabeth, female,20
Jane, female, 21
S/M 053
FREEDOM FOUND by Angela Wye, for a man and
a woman (8 minutes)
Zoe wants to borrow a million pounds for the weekend, to show off at
her Mummy's party. The Bank Manager is surprisingly accommodating
and allows her to hold a bundle of £50 notes "to get the feel of what
it's like" while he massages her feet. Other advances are made,
going beyond the million pounds, in this hilarious commentary on
customer service in the banking sector.
Characters
Zoe, female, 30
Bank Manager, male, 40
S/M 054
THE WISH by Philip Philmar for
one young woman and an old man (8 minutes)
A play about love and the mysteries of life! At the top of a
mountain dwells Wiz the wise. He can grant anyone one magical
wish! Mildred has climbed the mountain to get her wish - which
could change everything for ever. The problem is, she hasn't
quite worked out what she should wish for ...
Characters
Mildred, female, 30 or younger
WIZ, male, 40 or older
S/M 055
REVOLVING DOORS by William Gordon
for three men and one woman (10 minutes)
Ben and Sarah are members of a play reading group. They are
apparently having an affair and meet early each week. Gerald,
Sarah's violent husband, has discovered what is going on and makes
a dramatic and threatening entrance to confront Ben. However, what
we have been watching is the reharsal of a play, which is stopped by
Peter, the director, who is Sarah's real husband. He encourages the
actors to put more reality into their performance. As he turns away
Ben and Sarah quickly confirm their intention to meet secretly later.
Characters
Peter, male, 50s
Gerald, male, 30s
Ben, male, 30s
Sarah, Peter's wife and Ben's lover, 30s
S/M 056 THE DEVIL
TAKE THE HINDERMOST by Giles Armstrong for
two women and five men (8 minutes)
The Grand Ball at Marcher Grange is doomed to end in death and
disaster. So says Lord Marcher's beautiful daughter, the Lady
Susan; and, after some terrfying preliminaries, the Devil
himself enters to claim a bartered soul. But is his paperwork
in order?
Characters
The Lady Susan, innocent young ril in 20s
Lord Marcher, male,60
Jabez the family butler from Tobago,50s
Uncle Charles, male, a 60 year old roue
Ishtar, female,20s
Fiend, male, 40 or older
Big Daddy, male, jazzband leader 40s
S/M 057
FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH by Anthea
Courtenay, for a woman and two men (9 minutes)
Brenda and Stewart have been married for 20 years, during which
Brenda has dominated. She believes she has recently discovered
psychic powers and is constantly predicting doom and dsaster, to
Stewart's increasing annoyance. When she predicts a murder on
their second honeymoon in Cromer, he decides to take charge and
prove her wrong........But can he?
Characters
Brenda, female, 50, middleclass, self-dramatiser
Stewart, male, 50, middleclass, a husband at the end of his tether
Dean, male, 20, a camp waiter
S/M 058
COUNTDOWN by John Ringrose for
two young women and two old men (8 minutes)
This is about the day the Earth stood still, after centuries of
slowing down. A tasteful ceremony is in progress as the Countdown
reaches single figures, when a young woman rushes on with
an idea for getting it spinning again.
Characters
A young female virgin who is due to be teleported to Mars
A young female activist who is determined to keep the earth spinning
A male announcer, who is old and very dignified
A man who can make gong noises to count down the final seconds
S/M 059
THE CARDS NEVER LIE by William Gordon
for one man and one woman (6 minutes)
Yolanda, a Romany fortune-teller, tells the future of a man called John.
Using the Tarot she predicts that he will be finally successful with a
project he has been working on for a long time; but she advises him not
to continue with it. He then tells her fortune, revealing that he is a
policeman who will arrest her for her part in a bullion robbery in which
innocent people were killed. She pulls a gun and he knocks over the lamp.
Shots are fired in the dark and when the lights go up again......
Characters
John, male, 40s
Yolanda, female, 30s