No, Mr Bond, I Expect You to Die
Fittingly, one of the finest AP compos ("Why do the criminal masterminds never say, "Handcuff Mr Bond to the railings and shoot him six times in the back of the head with this small pistol," eh?") brought one of the funniest things written by a reader ever to appear at the AP office.
The compo demanded of you a deathtrap worthy of Ernst Stavro Blofeld, but with an egeanieuse method of escape.
Edwin Wake of North Yorkshire's entry was originally accompanied by a series of brilliantly evocative drawings, only one of which made it into the mag due to lack of space. The picture, of the Widow From Greece, was later pinned to the communal AP Wall alongside Sue's hippo photographs, the Canadian Defence Department Buzz-Phrase Generator, Cam's pictures of Cameron Diaz and a photocopy of a tombstone upon which was written, "Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt," so was uselessly destroyed when the office was razed to the ground.
Still. You have to laugh. Which is where Edwin's deathtrap comes in. Clever wording, I know.
1. Mr Hero is tied to a chair.
2. Mr Evil Villain pulls lever, which activates springboard, sending onion towards mouse.
3. Mouse sees flying vegetable and runs to west coast of Australia. En route to Australia, he knocks over fisherman's Sound Of Music video.
4. Fisherman is so distressed, a milk bottle top flies out of his pocket, colliding with stray wasp.
5. Wasp becomes disorientated and drops latest copy of The Beano on pensioner's pen refill.
6. Passing salesman sees this happen and rushes to help.
7. Eyelash dislodgement causes lamppost to turn on for seven milliseconds.
8. Power change helps Belgian win at Snap.
9. Over-joyous reaction makes termite in carpet drop crisps.
10. Widow in Greece senses termite's grief and raises flag.
11. Flag blocks out sun, which Captain Kirk mistakes for Klingon Bird of Prey. He fires phasers, which hit the corner of a leopard's eye.
12. This encourages swan to sell three bars of gold to cod.
13. New wealth upsets whelk, who fires jet towards Poland.
14. Buskers in Poland tie wool around barn to ward off evil spirit.
15. In disgust, spirit throws can of Lynx at barn, but can rebounds and strikes man on head.
16. Man loses bookmark from book. Bookmark causes mass pile-up on M27.
17. Han Solo quickly reacts and throws radish at Daley Thompson.
18. Daley picks up phone and airs opinion on Communism.
19. Neighbouring swordfish stops watching TV, which enables flower to jump from window box.
20. It gets caught in helicopter blades, forcing helicopter to swerve 32 degrees.
21. Change in wind causes zebra's side parting to waver.
22. Zebra's third cousin mocks and falls down ravine. The splash makes a tornado in Kent which pulls up huge rock.
23. Worm is released and crawls into man's briefcase.
24. Man drops pint and piece of glass lodges in llama's ear.
25. Llama spits at lamp stand. Stand falls on cactus. Cactus spine embarks on journey, hitting vicar's jaw.
26. In great pain, vicar utters "Jesus!"
27. God strikes down hero, mistaking him for clergyman.
1. Mr Hero telepathically contacts eagle.
2. Eagle drops cheese on rooftop.
3. Slate becomes loose.
4. Discarded chair starts squeaking.
5. Entices mouse from route to Australia.
6. Knocks over Barry Kencov's ice-cream maker.
7. Excess ice-cream causes staple guns worldwide to rust.
8. Rogue staple gun calls elephant's bluff.
9. Elephant storms Mr Evil Villain's hideout freeing hero.
Hey, Mr Broccoli! We expect to see Edwin's name on the credits of the next Bond film! except you're the dead one. Curse.