Roy Nesbit of Crewe

Irregularly from AP45 onwards

Quite an exciting scandal unfolded one morning in AP when a security guard strolled in and asked for a photograph of (A certain employee - Ed) of ST Format. We pointed out we weren't ST Format (who were our neighbours at the time) but helpfully fetched a copy of the magazine from their office, empty at that early hour (we must have been fooled by the clocks going back or something) so he could inspect the flannel panel. The guard leafed to the staff photos, ran his finger down to a particular line, screwed up his face in Newgatean concentration, thanked us, photocopied the page and left.

It transpired that mild-mannered (Certain employee - Ed) was in fact an international criminal mastermind who had been systematically fixing STF's competitions, throwing away the reader entries and substituting made-up people as victors. He'd been rumbled when someone finally realised all these dozens of winners of valuable ST-related prizes coincidentally lived at the same couple of addresses as (Certain employee - Ed) himself and his mother or something, was sacked, and the security department were under orders to prohibit him from entering the premises.

Blimey.

Every reader who appeared in AP was, of course, genuinely real. Not for us the made-up letter, or convenient "question about release dates" in order to fill space with inaccurate "press release" rubbish under the guise of public service information.* No, the thundering attentiveness of you, our lovely readers, meant we never HAD to make things up, except twice.

The first time was in a compo results special around the AP30s. (Certain publisher. No, hang on, it actually was 'A certain publisher.' Never mind - Ed) had offered a huge box of at least one hundred promotional T-shirts but approximately all had remained unclaimed by the closing date. Readers just weren't interested. Rather than jeopardise the letterboxes of those who had excitedly entered the compo by informing the company that nobody cared whether their briefly relevant game logo lived or died, everyone in AP clubbed together to supply names and addresses, starting with close personal friends and ending (after it became apparent that even including everybody the entire team knew, the list was still about 20 short) with "Bill Obviouslymadeupname, Norwich."

Later, stuck for a few words to pop in a space diligently cleared for an intro by the Art Ed at the beginning of a previewy round-up of the Doom clones that were just becoming popular as announcements followed by several years of further announcements (even though the preview itself left zero ambiguities in its title anyway - "DOOM ON THE AMIGA"), article writer Jonathan Davies, or Prod Ed Steve Frrr, the provenance is uncertain, crashed out, "'When's it coming out?' asks Roy Nesbit of Crewe. We answer him," as an emergency joke.

(The name was possibly inspired by the imaginary readers whose entreaties would spark each latest chapter of the Whatever Happened To... ? saga, traditionally identified as Namey Surname of Place.) (Hang on, wouldn't that technically count as three doses of correspondent-invention?) (Quick, no, carry on, nobody's noticed.)

A star was born, and the initial sighting of every subsequent Doom clone was in response to a question of the insatiable shoot-fan's. Unusually for an AP char, Roy did not develop beyond his obvious interest in these games; nor did he appear anywhere outside the little oblong of large print above a preview's first screenshot. We think he may have had an unimpressive moustache.