The Secret Garden

AP27 to AP65

A pen pals section that was first conceived during the Linda Barker Era, but that's not important right now. An interesting point is that the feature was obviously an elaborate conceptual pun on the The Secret Garden that isn't the one you're thinking of, but the important thing was that The Secret Garden was a fantastic excuse to glam up in fancy dress and have professional photographs taken on company time and with company money. Yay! (Hang on - "first conceived"? - Ed.)

The disposable nature of the Garden meant that it did not appear in every issue, missing the occasional AP when we needed the space. However, it remains the only section we can think of that, when we grew bored of it, was intricately reinvented rather than being replaced.

The Garden was divided into six stages of evolution. These are they.

STAGE 1 - TIMES OF YORE

The Secret Garden (AP27 to AP31)

A photogravure featuring Stuart, Dave Green, Lisa Kellett, Cam and Tim Tucker resplendent in Victorian garb, magnificent facial hair for the gentlemen, and truly inspiring hats.

STAGE 2 - TIMES OF LAW(LESSNESS)

The Secret Garden (AP32 to AP41)

Reservoir Dogs is celebrated with a recreation of the going-to-work bit (intended to debut the previous ish to tie in with the Res Dogs Who Do Think We Are? but omitted because of clottism) , featuring Steve McGill, Linda, Stuart, Dave Green, Cam, Lisa Kellett and Sal in identical black suits and sunglasses. Effect slightly lessened by rubbishly obvious pose where everyone's just standing around awkwardly with their legs a bit bent, except Steve, whose role as Convincingly Striding Dead-Eyed Crim wins several major awards and is tragically obscured in most issues by the cut-out application form. Slightly lessened effect hearteningly offset by inset in which everyone breaks character to point off-camera and smile. (Except Sal, who is busily absent.) Nobody knows why this stage was not called The Secret Reservoir.

STAGE 3 - TIMES ON TOUR

The Secret Cavern (AP42 to AP46)

Pudding-bowl popmockery with JD, Rich, Steve Frrr and Cam as The Four Fabs, AP's answer to the question, "Why hasn't The Secret Garden been about The Beatles yet?"* (No other explanation for this stage of the Garden can be found; there were no Beatles-related articles, externally timely events or games. In-jokes nobody who was there at the time can work out several years later, that's the AP way.)

STAGE 4 - TIMES OF ROAR

The Garden That Time Forgot (AP47 to AP54)

Rich (as the Professor), Sue (as the Professor's Daughter), JD (as the Kindly U-Boat Captain), Steve (as the Doomed Midshipman) and Cam (as the Renegade Big-Game Hunter) tumble into a land of dinosaurs and danger when their submarine drifts off course in the years closely preceding WW1. Photographed in Super Dynamation 70; diorama, dyed costumes and dino-wrangling by Cam.

STAGE 5 - TIMES OF GORE

The Secret Car Park (AP55 to AP61)

Number one suspect unexpectedly slain in underground car park, leaving investigation of presidential murder inconclusively stalled? You'll be needing Cam (as the Startled Captain), Paul Mellerick (as the Police Officer), Martin (as LH Oswald), JD (as J Ruby) and the Ad Department (as Aghast Detectives) then. And, which nobody realised who read the mag, some rEvIsIOnISTHISToRy photos.

AP55	AP56
AP57	AP58
AP59

Note: AP60 cycled back to type A. Except AP61 was also type A. AP62 featured only the enlarged background photo, clunkily distended to fit this final Car Park's single page. It too was type A. WHY IS ANNUAL SPELLED WRONG?

STAGE 6 - TIMES NO MORE

Secret Smalls (AP63 to AP65)

Rapidly evaporating space led to the replacement in AP63 of the Car Park by Secret Smalls, a half-page black-background column nailed to the middle of Do the Write Thing and retaining the sinister typeface but with no other form of illustration or decoration. This concluding incarnation of The Secret Garden changed one more time in AP65, becoming a quarter-page square. Regrettably, there was no horizontal room to rename it Secret Smallers or something.

As far as we know, nobody used the full postal addresses in The Secret Garden to track down and kill readers. This is the only good thing you can ever say about pen pal sections.