Family Ties

AP55 to AP58

One of the things at which AP's BESUITED PAYMASTERS were particularly skilled was selling themselves to anyone who had a bag of cash and tidy shoes.

By the time of AP55, the company had gone through (we think) three owners, with the latest an EELY EMPIRE OF MALEFICENT MuLtIMEdIA. As part of the takeover, a brochure was sent to each mag (along with the usual photographs displaying the executed executives of the previous regime dangling from lampposts and being kicked by their re-educated children, and the new, catchy anthem of allegiance) outlining the main companies STUCK SLURPILY TO THE SUCKERS OF THE OCTOPUS OF OWNERSHIP.

Referring to this handy pocket guide, we were thus able to link seemingly innocently skippy, bounteously charitable parties (eg Kimberley Davies, Australian Actress) to clammily ghoulish truths (eg devil worship and human sacrifice).

At the centre of each chain of iniquity sat AMIGA POWER, all tendrils wriggling back and pushing up its nose via the SINISTER MEGA-GLOBAL CORPORATION that now pulled its strings. We had played our cards shrewdly without even having to refer to a piece of paper listing which hands beat which, and, in AP58, we struck, cancelling the feature. Devoid of a controlling centre, the SUPRANATION OF INAUSPICITY flung itself apart with a crackling squeal, leaving AP's publisher to change hands two or three more times before eventually being bought back by the original founders, the entire saga having wasted several years and many dozens of millions of pounds.

We smiled secretly and bought some good, strong tea.