AP2 | Points Of Dead

Points Of Dead

ANDRÉS ESCOBAR*	Haven't played it	Bit of an own goal, this one *	Bit of an own goal, this one *	Bit of an own goal, this one ***	A cappuccino, please **	And a bun *	Aaarghh! Aaarghh! Aaarghh! Aaarghh! Aaarghh! Aaarghh!	Aaarghh! Aaarghh! Aaarghh! Aaarghh! Aaarghh! Aaarghh!
LORD LUCAN	Nice name change **	Nice name change ****	Can you direct me to the railway station? ****	Second- class return to Notting- ham, please *	Make that Africa *	I'm a guest of J Mengele **	Who's going to look after the kids? ***	Haven't played it
OJ SIMPSON	Haven't played it	Police Squad, more like *****	I'd much prefer a driving game ***	Haven't gone near the place *	Pull up at the next corner *	See you in Naked Gun 4 **	See you in 25 years **	Haven't played it
HORACE DOVE- EDWIN	Really quick *****	Very quick *****	Where's the ice-cream and stanozol? *****	There's Linford in his car ***	There's a small red demon with a pizza **	I think I've broken the time barrier *	My chest hurts *	Does this plane go to Sierra Leone? *****
BEELZEBUB	Great music *****	Toe- tapping music *****	Classical music *****	Not enough music *	Spawn of the devil. You see? *****	Haven't played it	I don't remember leaving the door open	Where's Hamble?
BOB	Scratch *****	Snuffle *****	Forage *****	Eat *****	Sleep *****	Trans- sexualise *****	Fall ill	Recover *****
RAUL JULIA	Diddly dum *****	Click click *****	Diddly dum *****	Click click *****	Diddly dum diddly dum diddly dum *****	Thump		Haven't played it
STEVE THE PUBL- ISHER*	Well that's it then - I'm off *****	... *****	Goodbye then *****	... *****	Erm, seeya! *****	... *****	... *****	(Slam)
DENG XIAOPING	Tora Tora Tora! *****	Oh no, hang on, that wasn't us *****	Bloody students *****	Clever *****	Uuughh (Thud)		Only joking *****	Oh no!
WALT DISNEY	You're fired, Ed	And I hear you're a communist	Kids love Disneyland	I'm sure they were here a moment ago	Commie pinkie sub- versive, more like	Clarence Cancer		I'll be back
RONNIE KRAY	We're mad, aren't we Reggie?	We just don't know what we'll do next	Evening, Jack	Stabbity stab poke stab	Gold! Always believing!	Got 100 lights?	Hnnnghh (Clump)	Haven't played it
GINGER ROGERS	Tappity tap tap *****	Cigarette me, big boy *****	Tappity tappity *****	I said, cigarette me, big boy *****	Fred? Fred? *****	Tap... tappity... *****	Clunk	Haven't played it
PLUMBER	I've come to sluice the tank *	Hooray, tankie tankie! *****	Wheee! *****	Wahey! *****	Caramba! *****	Ooof	Phew! That was fun *****	Aaarghh! Aaarghh! Aaarghh!

Fewer games equalled fewer points.

DEAD PERSON	Nobody funny has died this month	So they're resorting to archetypes ***	They think it's clever ****	To mock the dead ***	The celebrity needn't be dead ****	But Hugh Grant's been overdone ***	And Lee Clegg's out of the question **
UNITED NATIONS	Um... ***	Er... ***	Um... ***	Hmmm... ***	Er... ***	Phew, they're all dead	Fancy a drink? *****
WRECKLESS ERIC*	When I was a young boy	My mother said to me	"There's only one girl..."	"...in the world for you..."	"...and she probably lives in Tahiti."	KABOOM!	That's that then
RED RUM	And they're off *****	And he's over The Chair *****	And he's cleared The Stile *****	And he's over Beecher's Brook *****	And he's dead *****		Miaow
BIG CHIEF I-SPY	I spy something beginning with H *****	I spy something beginning with C *****	I spy something beginning with F *****	I spy something beginning with D *****	Aaarghh!		Ooo, velvet
FRANÇOIS MITTERAND	Bonjour, mes petits *****	Répetez *****	Qui a coupé le fromage? *****	"Who has cut the cheese?" *****	Je suis mort *****	"I am dead" *****	Aaarghh!
GENE KELLY	I'm singing in the rain *****	Splish splash splosh *****	Just singing in the rain *****	What a glorious feeling *****	Actually, I don't feel all that glorious *****		Never played with it
BOB PAISLEY	The boys done good *****	We can play better *****	The tactics were wrong *****	No comment *****	A vote of confidence you say? *****		Never saw it
DAISY	Moo *****	Moo *****	Moo *****	I am Lord Palmerston *****	Bang		Burger anyone?
"ED"*	(Enjoyable) *****	(Explosive) *****	(Exciting) *****	(Ethereal) *****	(Edible) *****	(Erm)	(Snip!)

And to show we don't begrudge our own brutal slayings, some new guests.

REV W AUDRY	Toot toot *****	Look out - leaves! *****	Look out - snow! *****	Look out - rocks! *****		We apologise for the delay		The Rev W Audry has been cancelled
DENG XIAOPING	Haven't played it	Haven't played it	Haven't played it	Haven't played it	Haven't played it	Haven't played it	Haven't played it	Haven't played it
DENIS COMPTON	A six! *****	A six! *****	A four! *****	A six! *****	A two - but cheekily stealing a three! *****	A six! *****		Ashes!
THE MRTA	All right everyone - cheer for your side *****	Pass, you dunder- head *****	Shoot! *****	Goal! *****	Pity there's no bath *****	Aaarghh! Aaarghh! Aaarghh! Aaarghh! Aaarghh! Aaarghh! Aaarghh!	Aaarghh! Aaarghh! Aaarghh! Aaarghh! Aaarghh! Aaarghh! Aaarghh!	Surely that's a foul, ref?
ALLEN GINSBERG	(Snap)	Coffee *****	(Snap)	Coffee *****	(Snap)	Coffee *****	(Slump)	Deaddio
JACQUES COUSTEAU	I am a wonder of the deep *****	I frolic in my natural habitat *****	I pounce upon my prey *****	I dart among the splendour of the reefs *****	I invent the aqualung *****	With my deceptive colouring I elude predators *****	I am endan- gered *****	I am extinct
JEFF BUCKLEY	Give me a C *****	Breastroke, backstroke *****	Butterfly and crawl *****	Dog- paddle, belly- flop *****	You can do them all *****	Learn... to... *****		Sign my copy of Grace?
ROBERT MITCHUM	The door burst open. I moved to cover the dame *****	Three sneers walked in with hoods behind them *****	One went to frisk me. I saw we weren't going to be friends *****	I slapped the punk. His hip pockets bounced on the floor *****	All three went for their guns, but mine was already here *****	I held the dame as a material witness and because I liked it *****	The case was closed *****	I rode into the sunset
JAMES STEWART	Waaaaal, now just hold on *****	Waaaaal, there's no need for that *****	Waaaaal, you know that's not true, honey *****	Waaaaal, maybe we aren't rich, but we're happy *****	Waaaal, now, that's better *****	Waaaagh		Ting-a-ling
GIANNI VERSACE	Suit you sir *****	Sartorial elegance *****	Functional but stylish *****	A return for the pinstripe *****	Clings where it hugs where it shapes *****	More lycra for Signor Dredd *****	Blam! Blam! Blam!	This stain will never come out
JAMES GOLDSMITH	Out! *****	Out! *****	Out! *****	Out! *****	Out! *****	Of breath! *****	I've lost my deposit	Video for Mr Goldsmill? *****

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