Tim Cant

Tenure: AP54
Designation: Wee Work Experience Lackey

What I Did In My Summer Holidays, by Tim Cant.

At first I had trouble remembering the week I spent acting as AMIGA POWER's unpaid dogsbody, probably due to the intensive course of hypno-therapy I took to try and exorcise the horror from my brain. However, recently I've been waking up screaming during the night, so in an attempt to purge my mind of the whole sordid experience I have written down everything I can remember about that fateful week in the summer of 1995. The summer I became permanently labelled "Tim The Wee Work Experience Lackey."

When I first arrived I was forced to wait by reception for what seemed like almost seven minutes whilst they determined whether I was an industrial spy or not. After being escorted through the (sinisterly high-security) big door/code thing, I was sent up to the third floor (probably), where I was met by one Cameron Winstanley. Cam (formerly Mark) changed his name to that of his all-time greatest hero, Cameron Frye out of Ferris Beuller's Day Off. If only I had seen the connection then, my life may well have been spared. But I digress.

After being introduced to the rest of the AP staff by the lanky Chris Evans look-alike, I was left to do as I wished, so I chose to type in the INCREDIBLY TEDIOUS reader-ads section, COINCIDENTALLY THE MOST BORING TASK THAT REQUIRED COMPLETION. For the rest of the team (including Martin Axford, who I felt obliged to call "New Kid" as he arrived the day after my good self), every day was more or less the same:

10:00 AP staff Arrive LATE. Mellerick would IMMEDIATELY put on a tape that he had spent hours preparing the night before. The purpose of this indie driven monstrosity? TO DRIVE ME COMPLETELY INSANE.

10:02 Nash's computer would make its first hilarious sound effect.

10:03 Nash's computer would make its second hilarious sound effect.

10:04 Nash's computer would make its third hilarious sound effect.

10:05 Etc.

11:00 Huntley abandons all work and begins playing bizarre Mac PD games. This would involve all sorts of shouting and gesticulations.

11:10 Huntley becomes bored and shouts "Faster, filth!" at me. I work faster.

11:29 Winstanley bounds into the office wearing a set of camouflage "action" trousers with EVEN MORE pockets that the day before, in an attempt to impress the various women in the building.

12:30 The entire building is instantly cleared; it is lunch time. The AP staff congregate at the nearest drinking establishment in order to consume immoral amounts of alcohol and slag me off. I continue working my fingers to the bone.

14:50 The decadent AP crew finally haul their sorry hides back into 30 Monmouth St. The torture starts. FOR THEM.

14:51 The first of many games of Marathon begins. I proceed to wipe the floor with all present. A random ex-AP member enters the office, and starts making amusing banter.

18:03 At this point the AP staff would leave in disgust. I would sit back smugly in the odd wheely chair in the middle of the AP office, and fall off it. I remain unconscious until 9:00 the next morning.

As you can see, it was a non-stop party - and everyone was invited! On the Friday everyone went to watch Waterworld, whilst still on company time.*

In conclusion; I liked working on AMIGA POWER for a week. It was interesting and informative.

THE END

*This is genuinely true.