J Nash

Not every ON Page had a guest presenter - at the time we were doubling the section with Back Issues, which had just been successfully defibrillated by the idea-paddle of underwriting a new AP caper each month (Subsidise a Communist Incursion, Dance the Night Away, Avert a Meteor Strike, Thwart Nazi Agents, etc etc) so the load was lightened in having to rejig both every time - but if I recall aright those that did featured Yoko Ono, Weird Al Yankovic Drowning Underwater and - hurrah! - late-period AP's King of Cameos, The Pope.

I'd been intrigued by The Pope since an episode of Ren and Stimpy (Oh heck - Ed) in which Powdered Toast Man saves (him) with the immortal (soul) exchange, "Quick, man - cling tenaciously to my buttocks"; "Both of them?" and goes on to park him on top of a pointy mountain when R&S run out of powdered toast for breakfast. (Sorry about this, readers. Sorry - Ed.)

All funny and everything, but the thing was that this ep was one of the lightning rods for the R&S censorship fiasco. (I'm off to the shops, anyone want anything? - Ed) As a result, the scene was cut where Powdered Toast Man, standing in for the President of the Former Colony, feels a bit of a nip in the air and accidentally lobs the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence on the grate to get a fire started (I mean, blimey, how insecure and tiny-minded do you have to be to gurgle and stamp about jokes?) and the soundtrack was redubbed so The Pope became "The Funny-Looking Guy With The Big Nose" (thus destroying the gag focus there, because it was funny because, y'know, it was The Pope). (Incidentally, we had the proper version over here on BBC2, so hurrah for that. I've no idea if the DVDs are uncut, but would expect so, as that's what they claim on the box, even though they in fact aren't.)

Anyway, combined with the inherent entertainment value of a bloke in a white frock commanding the world's throngs with a wavy wrist and the Pope Joan thing and appearing in a photo with me in Our Brilliant Year 94 and everything, The Pope was a natural AP comment cameo. In the event this materialised as a J Nash Would Just Like To Say ("Nice one, Pope. You cretin," after the expectation was dashed that the becapped one, who'd been casting a well-publicised thoughtful glance at his position on contraception, would take into account the disasters of overpopulation and communicable disease, when he in fact decided both were irrelevant in his medley of magic sheets and pixies) and a drive-by appearance in the Unrelated Assassination Special where we bemoaned the poor quality of public assassination by plucky Britons when compared to the exemplary ambition of our Former Colonial cousins,* so, er, he wasn't really a king of cameos after all. Funny how things turn out.

Still, the The Pope-presented Our Net Page was excellent. Especially the bit with the huge headlines where he's startled by the quality of the publisher-plugged tie-in site review mag and says, "Oy vey!"