// AP2 rand title bit // find and show rand title function garb_the_urchin_head(hatband) { // set vars var urchin_hat_decision, rakish_angle; // find hat urchin_hat_decision = find_hat_in_cupboard(); // set subtitle if req if (!hatband) { rakish_angle = "AP2 | " + urchin_hat_decision; } else { rakish_angle = "AP2 | " + hatband + " | " + urchin_hat_decision; } // show and we're done document.writeln("" + rakish_angle + ""); } // set rand title function find_hat_in_cupboard() { var cupboard = new Array( "A warning from history", "Unloading, Please Wait", "73%", "Exclusive Spodland review inside", "This time they're still dead", "Still oily (mighty) after all these years", "Now with over twenty pages", "You whining, childish hatemongers", "Leading the world in staff fatalities", "Defying the JEERING UNGENTLEMAN OF IGNEOUS IGNOMINY", "Defying DENNIS THE DARK DENIZEN", "Defying the SUBTERRANEAN SUB-TENANT OF SULPHUR", "Defying the SINISTER MEGA-GLOBAL CORPORATION", "Wholly in thrall to our BESUITED PAYMASTERS", "And Danny Aiello as Tony", "Also contains lanolin", "The colour of villainy is still blue", "Attention readers! Stand by! Message ends", "Look! It's the Goodyear Blimp!", "Splends", "Aces", "Trem exc", "SET FIRES", "WooooOOOOOOoooooo", "Get down! Get back up again! Zarjaz!", "DISSEMINATE ESSENTIAL INFORMATION", "Three or four of our five hardy jokes", "But anyway", "Fairies and pixies and lovely squirlies and big chemical fires", "(Not A500)", "Making it up as we go about making it up as we went", "Cannot, for example, be put on a CD and sold", "Or something", "Or is it? Or IS it? OR IS IT?", "Well, that's the end of this suit (lawsuit)", "Now what?", "Canoe Squad DVD available shortly", "Android Barge DVD available shortly", "Michael Model-Maker DVD available shortly", "Now That's What I Call And Annual", "Safe beneath the watchful eyes", "Bouncier than The Innocent Derek Bentley", "Snappier than an urchin's legs", "Hardier than a tardier mardy peer", "Spin, AP2. Spin like a spindle", "That's that then", "You can't go home again, but you can shop there", "The end of backwards", "The mightiest beings ever to produce a computer games magazine", "Turning hopeless unprofessionalism into comedy", "("Interesting and informative" - Ed)", ""Redouble our efforts - we must find Ming!"", "Now available in Exmouth", "Forty-four dead stone lions", "(1mb only)", "Switching to 14.4 - BNP 5", "Ordinary normal mortal human beings just like you", "The magazine with ATTITUDE", "The magazine with AN AGGRESSIVE POSTURE", "Ein magazin mit STELLUNG", "The magazine with INEPTITUDE", "Groovy", "Buy it and we promise never to do this again", "Tapping a shoe to the Space Themes CD", "Who Do We Think We Are?", "Just Who Do We Think We Are?", "I'm not a spy, I'm a shepherd", "Bof, you English", "Now there is no more of it", "Sharing a bill with Feedline & Bigshoes", "Sharing a bill with Peaches & Kreem", "(Kickin'! - The Pope)", "I can't believe it's not better", "Not nearly as disappointing as you might have supposed", "Oh no! Our wives! Etc!", "Stand by", "The irony of this is just sickening", "Let's try that again, Pinky", "Spirally tangential", "Tamping a pipe at the mantel", "Whatever next?", "The Last of Sheila (not Sheila)", "(I'm off to the shops, anyone want anything? - Ed)", "Goodbye-ee", "This looks like a good place to kill twelve minutes", "Doing incredibly brave things like piercing our ears and rescuing tadpoles", "AP2 day is a very dangerous day", "Eh?", "p888", "Insert disk 11", "Y/N", "(Bang!) Oh no! (Dies.)", "Yoicks and away", "Nibbling our tieclip in a frenzy", "3:7:8", "This didn't say this last time", "We'll be back, but for now just sample (won't be back)", "Obv", "Natch", "We'll never know the simple joys of a good game of cribbage", "Having an average weekend", "98%", "Pathetic earthlings - who will save you now?", "980 hours of misery-filled wasted effort FOR YOU", ""OCEAN ARE A CRAP COMPANY"", ""THE QUEEN MOTHER SWALLOWS"", "(Right on target - A Escobar)", "(I'm convinced it's a major contribution to road safety - A Senna)", "(Gold! Always believing! - R Kray)", "(Who's laughing now? - D Xiaoping)", "OVER 20 (PAGES AND IT'S STILL MISSED OUT "OH DEAR")", "OVER 1 (JOKE INCLUDED)", "OVER (AND OUT)", "Wonderful times, selectively remembered", "The ultimate experience in gruelling self-aggrandisement", "The ultimate experience in gruelling self-aggrandisement", "The ultimate experience in gruelling self-aggrandisement", "The ultimate experience in gruelling self-aggrandisement", "The ultimate experience in gruelling self-aggrandisement", "It's all about mental illness", "Ace Garp is OUT!", "Kindly Old Mr Zingleblaum, the man we least suspected", "Too dead to know better, too dead to care", "Groovy western pop music", "Swingling Metal Machine Music in the old woman's bedroom", "IT'S A MED-I-CAL PLA-ZA", "How to connect your CD32 to a printer - revealed!", "Got to get across (get across, get-a-get-across)", "The home of Morrissey-on-a-Stick", "The home of Kennedy-on-a-Stick", "Here, here and here", "Most of what follows is true", "We refuse to apologise for the inconvenience", "Something terrifying and inexplicable is going to happen", ""Let us in, let us in!" "Let us out, let us out!"", "Try Dr H Lengths' patented herbal remedy today", "Been done, there that", "FORTY SEVEN MILLION DOLLARS?", "Get a big top hat if you want to get ahead", "(SUB: FILL IN LATER)", "Ming & Clive Present...", "AS YOU WILL SEE", "Something Something Oranges Something", "As seen in court", "Now available in court", "We hated you first", "Hey hey, we're The A-Nows", "Lovably smug", "Loveably smug", "There are no Behind Men", "Stupefying ineptitude", "DO NOT PRESS THE RED BUTTON", "Hanging from the lamppost on the corner of the street", "Bothering the rotters", "August 15th, 1996, 7:01:19pm to August 15th, 2006, 4:47:47am", "That went as well as could be expected, didn't it?", "Cheerio the noo", "Relax girls, they're dead", "Relax boys, they're dead", "Nothing can possibly go wrong now", "Stars in our eyes, corpses in our mouths", "An old tramp we disturbed in Twerton Park", "They suspect nothing, NOTHING", "(You're fired - Ed)", "Spook!", "Excellent music", "Love, hope, friendship and beauty", "You useless, cretinous morons", "Gnuk", "Bow before the high altar of boom", "The walls are falling", "What ho, you chaps", "Let's all go into the sunshine and play" ); return cupboard[Math.round(Math.random() * cupboard.length - 0.5)]; }