What's this thing, then, billobv?

It is an edifying library of Warner Cafe (and, latterly, Toonplay) events as involved billobv or were observed by him with the eyes of his head. Necessarily parochial, billobv hopes to extend its scope imperceptibly over time, or perceptibly, as that would preferably be noticeable.

Warner Cafe? I do not know this thing

Then this will make less sense than almost anything else ever from the house of billobv, which is saying quite something. But to elucidate.

The Warner Cafe is a mighty establishment of THNTRNTeiee and the haunt of characters who have no right to be so funny via an apparatus invented by people with clever beards. billobv, a negligibly, pifflingly footling patron of the Cafe stumbled across it somewhere around the beginning of 1998 and doesn't pretend to presume to speak for it, or even to grasp it fully. "It is like the bit with Charles Gray in You Only Live Twice," he says, "where he remarks of Japan that he has lived there for 25 years and is just beginning to understand the people. Although," he adds, "as the scene ends with C Gray knifed through the walls of his house before returning in the next film as an international criminal mastermind, I shall step away smartly from the comparison."

The Cafe is populated by a variety of (mostly) cartoon characters (cut largely from the cloth of the Warner Bros canon: the Cafe itself is the one from Animanics where Dot's Poetry Corner is filmed) and are an immensely friendly and likeable bunch, with always a cheery word or an accurately-delivered anvil for the casual wayfarer. billobv likes to stop by once a week as a relaxing break from trying to write radio programmes in the face of people saying "I don't get it."

It sounds marvellous. I must attend.

Do, please. It's #warnercafe on Watertower Net. (Try irc.wtower.com as a generic connection thing.) Some general information may be helpful. ("I've only just read this, in fact," says billobv, "by accidentally making the index appear when looking for the characters page. Blimey, eh?")

And Toonplay?

Toonplay is a similar establishment, except all techy talk is banned on pain of a biff up the waistcoat, which is fine and sensible if you're bewildered by techy talk, so hurrah for that. The other main difference is that Toonplay takes place in a different location each time, although they almost all manage to have bits billobv can fall off. It's #toonplay, again on Watertower Net. (Try irc.wtower.com as a generic connection once more.) Read more about Toonplay at The Read About Toonplay Page, then communicate your knowledge in draperies.

---

AAARGHH!

See OH NO! AAARGHH!

ACOUSTIC COOKERY

During a discussion of answering machines, Lola posited the theory that ingenious burglars keep ringing until they get no answer, then sneak in and rob you. billobv advised you answer, "I'm not here. Go away," and then clonk them with a saucepan when they come round, but Lola hadn't a saucepan. billobv suggested the alternative of a shouty karate chop, which Vakko wondered if it should be prepared like a lamb or pork one, coining the excellent phrase, "Acoustic cookery." billobv goes on to knock out a dinner guest while serving.

ACTION LENIN

billobv gave Okkay an exciting Action Lenin figure, with Lenin in the famous pose of hailing a taxi. Okkay pulled the string on his back, expecting to hear one of the phrases, "Taxi!"; "Tchoh, they never stop for me"; and "Comrades! We must act together to throw off the chains of the capitalist oppressors, and someone get me a cab," but instead Action Lenin said, "Hi! I'm Barbie! I love you very much!" as it was a cheap Taiwanese knock-off of the original cheap Russian design.

ACTOR EQUIVALENT OF ALAN SMITHEE, THE

George Spelvin. "Watch those credits closely," advocates billobv.

AD CAMPAIGN

billobv and KT's agency landed the highly-sought-after campaign for soap, and presented their television advertisement. "Filthy? Try soap! It's the hurrah bar!" championed billobv. KT stepped into shot looking filthy and saying "Bah." billobv gave him some soap, and KT washed off the dirt and said "Hurrah!" billobv held up more soap. "And so nutritious!" KT looked at his contract, but they were still on the air, so he gamely chomped it up, started hiccupping bubbles and went anti-green, but kept it together long enough to smile and wave at the camera for the jingle and fadeout. "Aaaaaaand - we're clear!" said the director (not The Director). "You look awful, KT - here, drink this glass of water," says billobv. KT re-reads a bit from an old episode where billobv falls down some stairs.

This was billobv's final addition to bring the page entirely up-to-date after almost a year, which is going to confuse anybody reading from the start again.

ADMIRAL PLUCKY

Plucky's naval manoeuvres were cut short when his entire model fleet, sailing in the Cafe hot tub, was eaten by Taperlass impersonating Godzilla, but he swiftly brought in reinforcements (see REINFORCEMENTS BIT) or bought them from a mail-order catalogue or something, in order to rescue billobv, who was sheltering in Moscow from Sylvester Fox's rendition of the 1812 Overture using genuine cannon. Pursued by Napoleon's Piano (navy), Admiral Plucky employed the clever trick of being 382 miles away watching the battle from a subterranean bunker, leaving billobv to escape only by the merest good fortune of all the enemy ships firing at once and the shells hitting each other and harmlessly falling down in a big ring around him. At that point they exploded, projecting billobv into a low orbit, from which he improbably guided himself to safety (see also FLY LIKE A FLY), landing flumpily on a comfortable eiderdown quilt on a bed in the upper-left room of 34 Quills Street, Tiverton, negligibly smashing through the wall to reach it, then smashing out the other side and colliding with a steelworks. Plucky dances a little hornpipe.

AKIVA GOLDSMAN

The worst screenwriter ever in the history of all things. Fifty guineas to anyone who blows him up with a big black bangy bomb.

AMAZING JEFFO, THE

Jeff H Bear's music hall act, consisting of Jeff striding on stage, arranging three Macs in a row with a duck on top, then staring at the audience for four hours. KT suggested Jeff imagine the audience naked to overcome his stage fright, but as it happened the audience was naked anyway. The show was a stupendous success, which promoter billobv knew all along and had merely been hiding in a cupboard wearing a disguise as a funny joke. Clapping his triumphant artiste on the back and proclaiming the world was his oyster and giving him an oyster, billobv magnanimously paid Jeff 18.3% of the door receipts. Michael Mink was about to question billobv's expenses when billobv's elbow nudged a rope and a sandbag fell on Michael's head, knocking him out. The Amazing Jeffo immediately retired at the top of his profession, though billobv is confident he can persuade Jeff to tour again in 50 years or so.

AMAZING TURTLE-O, THE

KT's magic act, consisting of KT standing motionless inside an empty magician's cabinet for about four hours, then bursting out holding ice-cream and cake, or something, because no one's quite stayed long enough to see.

AMERICANISED SPELLING

During a conversation about Americanised spelling, billobv suddenly realised that the two commonly omitted letters, U (as in colour) and I (as in aluminium), made the phrase "U and I." Before he could draw an important conclusion, he saw something shiny and forgot.

ANTHROPOMORPHOLOGICAL PATRONS

This aspect of the Cafe confuses billobv terribly. It seems to be that toon patrons who are animals can also become real animals, but beyond that, he hasn't an idea. (Or up to that, come to think of it, what with an uncanny ability to throw Fox-O faux fox treats to foxes who aren't foxes at the time, thus unwittingly bouncing the ediblish chunks off their heads.) "I can do the Curly Howard bark, if that's any help," he adds. "Ow, my head," exclaims Tony Fox.

ANTI-BEASTLINESS SUNGLASSES

A pair of Okkay's sunglasses that have pictures of Yakko on the inside of the lenses and a nodule that you twiddle to make the pics gyrate sinuously. You know, for when things just get beastly. Yakko also has a pair, except with Okkay on the lenses. Obv.

ANTI-FIRE

Following a bit where Hobbes' tail caught fire, billobv gave Hobbes a tin of anti-fire, which cancels out fire, or causes the universe to explode, billobv forgets which.

APPEARANCE OF MATT FOX BIT

"Welcome, Matt!" says billobv. He follows this up with the "Bath, Matt", "Matt Black" and "Ascending the Matterhorn" bits, which didn't work in 1912 for Arthur Ascii either.

AS DEAD AS A DODOCAHEDRON

A phrase billobv had to remember, and did.

AVENGERS, THE

A movie, like Hudson Hawk, that's been disowned by almost everyone involved, but is in fact hugely entertaining.

---

BAD POSTMAN

Seeking to draw David Mouse from his hiding place under the sofa, for the fiend rodent had just thrown a pie at him, billobv erected a small door before the comfortable furnishing and rapped at it sharply, adding, "Postman - parcel for David Mouse." Opening the door to sign the receipt, David received his just desserts. "Works every time," notes billobv. "One moment, someone's at the door," he excuses himself.

BAD POSTMAN (2)

A postman arrived (genuinely) with a parcel for Plucky, after tracking him down across most of the known universe. Plucky pointed out he was D Warner, not T Duck. The postman left with a bit of a sigh.

BALM BIT

Applying a soothing ointment following splintery glass injury, billobv was interrupted by KT eeking that he had a balm. On closer examination, KT realises the balm is harmless. billobv gives him the balm and phews. An explosion occurs. billobv applies the soothing ointment to KT also. The turtle's life is salved. billobv recommends KT convalesce with a hearty breakfast of examination, but hold the ation. Elsewhere, something different happens.

BANNED!

Attempting to enter the Cafe, billobv found he had been banned! (with exclamation mark for extra drama). Alerting Emmy by pigeon post, he learned that David, in trying to throw out a troublemaker with a similar address to billobv's, had mistakenly blackballed everyone in Britain. Deftly, Emmy fixes things. billobv arrives triumphantly and twangs David across the nose with a rubber ban.

BATMAN CAFE SPECULATION

billobv and KT began wondering what a Cafe-set Batman episode would sound like. "ZOW! YIFF! MOOP! YE-E-E-R-R-FFF! RE! YIIIIG-PED!" probably.

BEAKS BIT

Handing Plucky some spare beaks from Beaky Beako's Bargain Beak Bazaar, billobv gave a pitch. "Be bot big beaks, be bot bmall beaks, be bot bll bnner bf beaks. Bome bn bown bo Beaky Beako's Bargain Beak Bazaar." DM shakes billobv's hand, adding, "Bstounding."

BENSON'S TROUSERS

Dakko expressed a feeling of comfort. Elbowing him out of shot, billobv explained, "That'll be thanks to Benson's Trousers. Yes, Benson's Trousers, for comfort and durability," and held up a pair of Benson's Trousers into camera as an insert of Dakko appeared with a crude speech balloon added that said, "Thanks, Benson's." Later, set alight by Lich Lord, billobv was able to beat out the flames with the trousers. Hurrah for Benson's Trousers! Take advantage of our fire sale and order two pairs today.

BIG IRON PIG IRONING BIG PIG WIG

A sculpture billobv presented to KT. It's 960lb of pig iron in the shape of a pig, ironing. A big... wig.

BILL0BV

A pr0t0type billobv (see BILLOBV). Very much not quite the idea at all.

BILLOBV

billobv is the name of the literary construct known as billobv. Originally Bill Obviouslymadeupname, billobv is now just billobv. "billobv suits," says billobv, "billobv better," he continues, running back into shot as we pan away. "I'm bored with the third-person now," he shouts concludingly, but we've already cut to an exciting chase scene.

Appearance
As a literary construct, billobv has no physical presence. He exists solely as the stream of words describing his thoughts and deeds: although he does not exist in the Cafe, he exists in the medium of the Cafe, and thus to all perceptible intent, exists per se. billobv cannot be destroyed as long as someone reads him. As further vaguely philosophical nonsense, billobv exists in all relevant Cafe logs, and thus while you are re-reading a particular day's adventure, billobv is reliving it. If this bothers you, just read a bit a few times repeatedly where he gets clonked on the head.

Strengths
Complete indestructibility. Being a bunch of written words, billobv is completely indestructible. You may therefore without fear attempt to kill him up badly as he can just write himself out of a corner, although he'd rather you didn't. (See DANGEROUS DEATH WITH DANGER MOUSE.)

Seemly dignity. Except curiously (That's quite enough of that. - billobv). (See STR(Look, I've told you already. - billobv).)

Guarded reserve. The Cafe has a reputation for cheerful tactility, patrons buoying the spirits of the glum with a round of hugging, but, being British, billobv is naturally embarrassed of the open. He will however warmly grip the hand of the heroic, or the sensible orator, and has been known in dire emergency to offer support by passing across a photograph of a clinch. "Also, I like the 'eep' sound when you poke someone. That's tremendously amusing," he adds, destroying the engimatic distance of the entire paragraph at a stroke.

Preternatural cheerfulness.

Flexibility of physics. While patrons conjure useful items, such as anvils, from out of shot in the fine Warners tradition, billobv merely occasionally forgets to be bound by accepted laws. This was demonstrated perhaps most visibly when assisting Mr Fu (see MR FU) to move house, carrying the house with some string while suspended by the coat from the prongs of Fu's tiny forklift. Addressing the question of size, billobv explained, "It was a convincing crouch, or poor continuity, I forget which."

Weaknesses
Constantly "on." Can't switch it off. Has to be "on" all the time. Must...

Hang on, you don't mean that sort...

Well, anyway.

Has tremendous trouble with stairs and falls down them frequently. Possibly linked to being completely indestructible as some kind of balance or something: while billobv can be dragged through the air-conditioning by a remote-controlled tornado without lasting effect (see WICKED CRAZY: THE BROADWAY MUSICAL), he seems incapable of opening a book or pulling to a door without somehow punching himself in the head or similar. "It's probably... oh no! Aaarghh!" he suggests.

Intolerant of the eerie. (See WHY DOES BILLOBV "DEOP"?)

Insists on spelling his name only in lower-case. "Call it a weakness," he yawns. "Oh, you have."

Wordplay. "I love it," beams billobv. "For example - " We make our excuses and leave.

Exciting secret origin
It was a dark and stormy night. (That's enough exciting secret origin. - Everyone.)

Speak with your mouth-hands
Should you desperately wish to reach billobv - perhaps you are a creditor, say - his e-mail address is billobv@bigfoot.com.

BILLOBV THE BOSS

KT began a new job as a mastic asphalt spreader (or something), which involved drawing things. billobv disguised himself as KT's boss and instructed him to draw everything upside-down. KT agreed! but then turned billobv upside-down instead. "Excellent job, KT," said billobv, shaking his hand and giving him a large bonus and a bag of crisps. billobv then turned to walk away, but didn't seem to be getting very far. KT, trying not to draw attention to billobv's legs waving in the air, pointed to them and said, "Look!" by mistake. Realising he'd been duplicitously outwitted, billobv began to chase KT, although ineffectively. Using a clever ruse, billobv lowered the ceiling so he could reach it as a floor, then dashed after KT, shaking a big prop fist and holding a speech bubble that said, "You crazy turtle! Why I oughta..." But he'd lowered the ceiling slightly too far, so they were both running on the spot. Vakko started playing some Hanna-Barbera television music on a gramaphone, while billobv held up another speech bubble that said, "You pesky turtle! I will show you what for," and got stuck with the dooble-ooble-dooble-ooble sound effect. KT gave him a better effect ("Zzzzzizzzzz!") and everyone shook hands, so it was a happy ending all round, except for KT's boss, whom billobv had stuffed in a cupboard in Omsk as part of the prank, then forgotten about. "Er, come to think of it," adds billobv, picking up a telephone to place a call.

KT also encapsulated every Hanna-Barbera TV show ever by running on the spot and saying, "Heyyyyyyyyy, this darn old crazy thing picnic ghost chase sandwich!" (except he couldn't remember his line).

BILLOBV THE CARRIER

A hideous flu-type bug swept Britain, leaving everyone billobv knows confined to bed. As usual, billobv himself was completely untouched (although will probably become sick after it's stopped being fashionable). "This always happens," says billobv. "Logically, therefore, I am the carrier. Oh no!"

Now the bug has ceased to be fashionable, billobv has indeed gone all wobbly with it, about five times in a row. "Bah," he says. "Also, blah."

He's better now though.

BILLOBV CLOSELY EXAMINES FOUR THINGS

billobv's referential amusement for an idle moment. (See also BILLOBV SURVEYS A QUANTITY.)

Is almost always sabotaged, usually by KT, who most recently secretly added a fifth thing ("One... two... three... four... another four... Hang on," complained billobv) then scampered off with one of the original four ("One... two... another four... three... These things have been tampered with," deduced billobv). Little is known of the things, or what KT does with the ones he keeps scampering off with.

BILLOBV DEFERS TO X

An elegant withdrawal if someone makes a joke, billobv misses it and makes exactly the same joke shortly afterwards.

BILLOBV DOES A LITTLE DANCE

billobv's standard means of expression. Extended on occasion to BILLOBV DOES A LITTLE DANCE - A LITTLE DANCE OF X, where X is anything, though usually a crib of someone's last act. (For example, "billobv does a little dance - a little dance of KT entering the kitchen.") See also OKKAY WARNER DOES A LITTLE BILLOBV DANCE.

BILLOBV MUST LEAVE

How billobv announces his intention to leave. Because, y'know, he must. (See also CHEERIO.)

BILLOBV PLAYS A VIOLIN

"Hello! I am a violin."

BILLOBV PLAYS DRAUGHTS

"One, two, king of hearts, snap, sunk your battleship, goal and king me."

BILLOBV PLAYS SOLITAIRE

But thanks to her psychic powers, she beats him easily.

BILLOBV LOOKS INTO CAMERA

A Hardyish appeal to the viewer during explosions of exceptional silliness. Or, if raining, Count Duckula-y.

BILLOBV SURVEYS A QUANTITY

billobv's referential amusement for an idle moment.

Following several suggestions to that end, billobv would like to point out the reference is not to M Python at all. (See MONTY PYTHON, CONTINUING PERCEPTION OF BRITAIN'S COMEDY AS COMPRISING SOLELY and QUANTITY OF TRAINING.)

BILLOBV'S PIANO

(Toonplay.) Runt accidentally knocked the lid of billobv's piano, making it shut with a clang. This made two noises billobv could produce from the instrument, immediately doubling his repertoire. billobv plays the piano accordingly. Or accordionly. No, accordingly. "Plink... plinkeeee... plink... plink... CLANG." Another winner. Observers throw bouquets of flowers at the artiste, except they're buckets of custard instead.

BILLOBV'S SURVEY

"Are you eligible to take part in this survey? Tick Yes or No." The entire planet implodes to the size of a pea.

BILLOBV WIBBLES FU'S LOWER LIP WITH A LOLLY STICK

billobv's placatory response to Fu railing furiously against the pelt experiments (see MR FU'S MIGHTY PELT) which for some reason made billobv laugh for hours.

BILLOBV2

Following a slight accident with Runt-Abu's mysterious cardboard box (see RUNT-ABU'S MYSTERIOUS CARDBOARD BOX), which was inadvertently placed upside-down on a convenient surface, billobv was duplicated. billobv2 is signficantly "looser" than the original and runs around inexhaustibly, falling down frequently. Says, "Wheee! Hurrah!" a lot and tends to bop billobv gleefully as a sign of affection, or something.

Appearance
Possibly the most spectacular consequence of the duplication process is that billobv2 has an appearance. There is an evocative picture, but tragically no means to scan it in at present. Essentially, he's wee, but he's wiry.

Strengths
Totally unstoppable. Utterly unbowably slightly frenziedly pleased. Delighted by everything. Fearless, enjoys being terrified (has usually to be forcibly belted to Rad Raven during space trips to prevent his leaping off - see RAD RAVEN, EDUCATIONAL RECORDING OF SCIENTIFICALLY-IMPORTANT SPACE TRIPS AND), responds to bopping by bopping back then forgetting about it instantly. Friendly and helpful, providing your notion of a valuable contribution is to have someone hug you until your head inflates, say "Wheee! Hurrah!" and run round and round until they fall down. Little appreciable seemly dignity.

Weaknesses
Displays affection for billobv by bopping him. No others have yet come to light, unless you tire easily of someone hugging you until your head inflates, saying "Wheee! Hurrah!" and running round and round until they fall down. (Yes. - Everyone.)

Speak with your mouth-hands
billobv2 may be reached care of billobv at billobv@bigfoot.com. Do not expect a reply to feature significantly more than "Wheee! Hurrah!" several times and the sound of falling.

BILLOBV2B

(Cameo.) Observing billobv's attempt to explain to Kathy the difference between billobv and billobv2 ("billobv: original; billobv2: duplicate"), KT took the latter as a command and duplicated billobv2, creating billobv2b. As billobv frantically telephoned his insurance company, Rad Raven noticed that billobv2b was unusually slothful, and that, in fact, the duplication process had drained all the interest from billobv2b and left him entirely boring. Tiring quickly of the monotony, Rad anvilled billobv2b and booted him over the horizon. billobv2 gazed a little sadly after the zoomingly departed figure. "I suppose it wasn't meant 2b."

BILLOBVS 3 TO 6

As Runt-Abu left without his mysterious cardboard box, billobv2 appropriated the device and used it to duplicate himself a further four times as a good joke on billobv. Scientific estimates put billobvs 3 to 6 at between five and 14.2 times more hyperactive than billobv2, though they confine their dashings-about to billobv's house, saying "Wheee! Hurrah!" even more than billobv2 and raising the insurance premiums considerably. Rumours abound of a seventh duplicate, the Sinister Black-Clad Anti-billobv (see EEK).

BITER BIT, THE

Following Fu's vertical slip (see RODENT OF UNUSUAL SIZE), he more or less gave up the petty larceny. So billobv had a go instead, stealing Fu's valuables, knife, thunder and composure, and trying hopelessly to talk himself out of the corner a growling Fu inevitably trapped him in. Gaining a second's advantage by a ploy, billobv stole the increasingly furious and now heavily armed Fu's ethics... no... morals... no... conscience... NO... balance... that was it, only for Fu not to fall over, but to look squintily terrifying and begin to froth at the mouth. With Fu's crushing karate grip on his throat, billobv tried to steal the rat's confidence, but that only made Fu determined to carry on in order to prove his worth. Moments from disaster, billobv saved the day by stealing - himself! "I am a masterly thief," says billobv from a secret location. Fu hits him with a car. (See also REWRITE!)

BLACK HOLE DA-DA-DAA

Soon it was time for another adventure, and billobv hadn't left quickly enough, so had been stuffed in a suitcase by billobv2. Rad referred to her checklist of previous adventure locations, and found they hadn't yet been inside a black hole, so opened her bedroom cupboard (an in-joke, presumably, although it was wasted on billobv as billobv2 was hitting him on the head with a tourist brochure and miner's helmet) and led the way, with a passing Mr Fu bringing up the rear. Immediately, everyone became all spaghetti-y because of the phenomenal gravitational pull and a box of spaghetti that billobv2 had knocked off a shelf, and billobv commented on Fu's size, except it turned out Fu was in large mode anyway. (See RODENT OF UNUSUAL SIZE.) As the company floated through the usual beyond-the-horizon black hole effects (provided by KT running around and holding up cardboard shapes with a black sheet on his head, until he tripped and fell through some scenery), Rad mysteriously lost her powers and reverted to human form, and Fu became testy because he couldn't find anyone evil to beat up. At that point, an Evil Mage appeared, which was a bit surprising as people were generally expecting it to be Stardust, but Fu beat him up anyway, which pleased billobv, who stood to one side and watched for a change, except for being hit on the head by billobv2 enthusiastically swinging a cricket bat. Some demons came through a small door marked "Staff only" and began hitting everyone with staffs, and Rad, besieged, threw her purse to Fu so he could whip out the potion she'd packed for just such an emergency and save the day. Pausing only to rip off everything of value, Fu gulped down the potion, which increased his natural strengths, like egotism and the ability to run away. billobv bravely leapt in to save billobv2, or slipped on a cake, whichever was more plausible, and drank some of the potion himself, which enveloped him in an Asterix-style blinding flash and blinded him. Fu. having decided that staying to beat up the demons would be a greater boost to his ego than running away, displayed his famous skills of kicky-head-o, and the black hole began to iris shut in the approved manner. Fu, Rad and billobv2 jumped out with dexterity, and billobv fell down a well, which meant the others had to haul on a safety rope from a previous episode to drag him out microseconds before the black hole finally closed for all time, which they did, so hurrah for that. "This makes no sense at all," says David Mouse. "Not to worry, I'll fix it in the editing," says billobv, but doesn't. (See also POTION COMMOTION.)

BLAST THIS PERFECT DICTION

Itz Furrball pronounced billobv's name in an amusing manner. Retaliatorily, billobv mispronounced Itz Furrball as, "Itz Furrball! Ha! No, hang on. Blast this perfect diction," justifying the title neatly. (See also SALE OF THE CENTAURY.)

BLESS, TWISS AND HECKADOODLE

What billobv said after seeing someone for the first time in ages.

BLOOD

Of a sudden, billobv began to gout blood and withdrew gracefully for a few minutes. "Not dangerous, though jolly spectacular," he explains reassuringly. "I badly snagged a fading injury, and due to the peculiar way I was leaning on the desk, it went bloop across the way." A spot of attention and he returned, once more the picture of elegance, within four seconds cutting his finger on a piece of paper. (See BILLOBV - STRENGTHS - COMPLETE INDESTRUCTIBILITY.)

BOF

The word billobv uses that means bof, hence the same letters in an identical arrangement.

BOFUS

Hobbes' misyawping of "bogus" which billobv liked lots, and has now adopted as an expression.

BOOBY TRAP

Leaping out of a bath, Okkay began to dig an enormously deep hole for some reason. Pooh-poohing billobv's suggestion that she dig another hole to keep the earth in from the first one, she revealed the excess was being vacummed up a pipe and deposited on the moon, which, previously waning, began to wax appropriately. The hole complete with only the minor hitch of shovelling through a gravity pipe, cutting off the world's supply of gravity, Okkay spread a large piece of cloth over the mouth to create a booby trap, then sat back to wait. billobv wandered across the Cafe while intently reading a book, possibly unmindfully approaching the suspicious cloth. What would happen next? (See WHAT HAPPENED NEXT.)

BOOKSHOP BARNEY

Receiving a bottle on the noggin, Rad Raven learned that Rex had been kidnapped by Stardust, who was holding him in at 2637 Winter Drive. Rad, Penny and billobv2 wearing aviator's goggles flew there immediately, and tooled up for a big fight. Meanwhile, excused from the action (ie, being accidentally hit over the head a lot by billobv2) for once, billobv relaxed by browsing a volume of Stephen Leacock at the little bookshop at 2637 Winter Drive. There was an odd sound from upstairs, strangely reminiscent of billobv2 in aviator's goggles trying dramatically to kick in a door, but putting his foot through the cat-flap, but obviously that was impossible. Shortly the bell over the door tinkled, and billobv, seeing that the owner Mr Oldbloke was dead again, helpfully went upstairs to assist, taking a clipboard to look official. Upstairs, Stardust appeared from a portal, holding Rex prisoner, and demanded Rad surrender her powers. Thinking swiftly, billobv2 leapt forwards and clubbed down the sinister clipboard figure with a cricket bat - obviously Stardust was a decoy and this was the real Stardust in disguise. Quite a clever disguise, in fact. Amazing how much she resembled billobv with a clipboard smacked into his mouth. At this point, Stardust fired several energy bolts to destroy billobv and Rex, but Rad deflected them with her sword. This developed into a big swordfight, while billobv2 produced a large pocket and stuffed Rex into it, along with a supply of nourishing spam, and billobv speculatively stuck out his foot as Stardust ran past, but just had it squashed flat as she was wearing giant boots or something. Emmy scored the fight with exciting music, which distracted Stardust long enough for Rad to knock the sword from her hand. Rad tried to reason with Stardust, but Stardust spat in her face (weurch) and escaped through another portal, leaving behind a 30-second bomb. billobv2 wiped Rad's face with a handkerchief, removing the spittle but leaving bits of conker, chewing gum and a confused-looking small frog, and billobv whipped out his box of tools and flipped open the bomb casing as the seconds ticked away. If he could... just... make... the... words come... out faster... At the last moment, Rad gathered up everyone and took to the skies, and the explosion flung them pell-mell along the street, knocking the plucky Raven unconscious. billobv2 put on a doctor's mask and examined her, recommending first that someone loosen his mask, as he was choking. billobv revealed that he'd defused the bomb after all, and the shockwave was caused by a giant bursting a paper bag for dramatic effect, and put the bomb in a box marked Sinister Foreshadowing Device where they wouldn't have to worry about it any more. Emmy put on a Broadway show and the curtain fell on billobv's head, and Rad woke up with a scream, but because of a nightmare rather than Emmy's performance. Everyone clustered around to hear what she could remember, but it was a cliffhanger, so there you go. "Wheee! Hurrah!" says billobv2, carefully placing commemorative photos on a fresh page of Rad's scrapbook with the utmost delicacy, then firing 608 gallons of glue at it with a glue-gun in case of strong breezes and spending the next four hours stuck upside-down to the top of Rad's head.

BOWLING WITH BEDROCK BARNEY (SYLVESTER FOX)

Unwisely revealing to Sylvester Danger Mouse's persnickety habit of enshrouding billobv in aluminium foil, billobv found himself enshrouded in aluminium foil. Totally failing to learn his lesson, billobv pointed out it was a good job there weren't nine other such figures and a giant bowling ball. As Sylvester rolled the ball with fine form, billobv tried to escape using the infinitesimal hops afforded him by the clinging tin-wrap, but would clearly never make it. Thinking swiftly, he chewed away a small piece of foil from around his mouth and rolled it into a ball. With an accurate spit he shot it against the fireman's pole leading to Toony Mouse's armour, causing the pole to lever out sharply and knock the armour through the air, at which point he was squashed by the bowling ball and rendered unable to complete his excellent plan. Sylvester caught the armour and dropped it thoughtfully in the recycling bin, seeing as how it was made of aluminium as well. (This did not please Toony.) billobv leapt up, unharmed except for injuries, and Keeper watched with interest as he was scooped up by the bowling pin-grabber. Thinking swiftly, billobv snapped off the aerial of a mobile phone and twisted it between his lovely teeth complicatedly into a shape that may just possibly fit the locking mechanism of a gigantic bowling pin-grabber, at which point he was sucked into the mechanism and mangled by the cogwheels and rendered unable to complete his excellent plan. Squeezed out of the other end like billobv toothpaste, he was untouched except for hurt thanks to the armour-like properties of aluminium foil. "You've broken the pin-setter," observes Sylvester.

BRAIN FREEZE

A phrase used by US patrons to denote feeling a bit funny after eating lots of ice-cream. Unheard of in Britan (see BRITAIN), probably due to hardier constitutions, or the rain, or everyone being too embarrassed to complain.

BRITAIN

Where billobv lives. On learning this, Danger Mouse gave billobv a bowler hat and a monocle. "Good heavens, man, do you think we live in the nineteenth century?" blustered billobv testily, turning and falling over his umbrella and a cup of tea.

BROOMSTICK BUNNY

Celebrating Hallowe'en, Lola flew across the face of the moon on a besom. Everyone applauded except Plucky, who had been stuffed into a basic cat outfit and crammed among the twigs to provide an authentic touch (of nervous stick-clutching costumed duck, presumably).

BUCKET GAG

billobv did the bucket gag from House of Teeth with KT, but was foiled because KT didn't have any.

BUH BUH BUHHHHH

An entry in David Mouse's notes that no one knows what the hell it means.

BUGZY'S GOAD

"billobv gets Bugzy's goad" wrote billobv, a barely coherent pun that was to rebound horribly like a squash ball that you suddenly realise is a big safe with a bomb in it. The goad, a small creature something akin to an explosion of saws, fiercely rejected billobv's advances, while at the same time preferring to rampage across his head ravagingly instead of, say, wandering off. Thinking swiftly, billobv managed to bundle the goad into Mr Fu's house, only for Dot to point out it was her Barbie Dream Home that the goad was ransacking, and that she considered this a shocking breach of etiquette, before shaking the goad out of a window and dumping it down billobv's trousers. There followed a series of incidents. The goad is currently trapped in the Cafe's sub-basement (see KINKY TURTLE'S BISTRO) with a piano on the trapdoor. "I never want to hear the word goad again," says billobv with seemly dignity. (See also MELODY MEPHIT'S SLOUCH.)

BYE BYE WEIRDGUY, BYE BYE

Weirdguy has left the Cafe to live in the forest with his family in a happy ending. "I wouldn't mind, but he's caught my braces in the door of his car," says billobv. "Er, back soon," he adds twangily and at speed.

---

CAFE CONTROL TOWER

Presumably used to direct Minerva Fan on final approaches (see MINERVA FAN'S AEROPLANE). Emmy sat in it with a pair of big binoculars to talk down billobv's mountain after a 747 was placed in his trousers by Tex Marten and he crashed into one, snapping it off.

CANA

Chilly's drawing style, which billobv completely foxed her by knowing what it meant. "A meteor crashed in my garden, splitting open to reveal a capsule, and inside the capsule was a glossary of Chilly terms," explains billobv. "You looked at my page, didn't you?" interrupts Chilly. "Yes, that was it," deflates billobv.

CANADIAN TREASURY

Accidentally obtaining the whole Canadian treasury, billobv posted the cash back to Canada in an envelope, but didn't have any change for the stamp. "Well, COD should do it," he reflects.

CAN-O, THE WONDER SELF-REFLEXIVE

See CAN-O, THE WONDER SELF-REFLEXIVE until bored.

CANS/MODEL

David idly crushed cans. billobv wondered if they were any particular cans. David indicated the two cans in question. billobv inspected the cans: they were indeed crushed. After the advertising break, David wondered if he should draw something, given the inevitable disappointment when it turned out nothing like he'd intended. billobv suggested he drew a squiggle. David did, but declared it hopelessly off-model, then threw himself over some battlements and bounced up and down in the background for the rest of the evening like that woman in the famous opera story.

CAPTAIN STAR

An excellent space cartoon, and the great British hope for animation after Stressed Eric (see STRESSED ERIC) turned out to be awful. Captain Star is fabulously dry and, for anyone who's seen Steven Appleby's cartoon strips, it's all like a big moving Steven Appleby cartoon strip, as he's the co-creator and everything. billobv recommends Captain Star thoroughly and offers the flavour of the show by reproducing the opening voiceover from (erk) memory.

"This is the story of Captain Star, the greatest hero this or any other world has seen. Captain Star travelled the universe in his ship, the Boiling Hell, his orders to find new planets, name them after himself, then sell them things. One day, the Boiling Hell arrived at the ragged end of the universe, and Captain Star and his crew, Navigator Black, ship's atomic engine stoker Limbs Jones and science officer Scarlet, waited for orders. And waited. And waited, and waited..."

Actually, thinking about it, it's possibly more a European show - a co-production involving at least Germany. It's hard to be sure, because ITV, which carries the show, is so twitteringly paranoid that you'll turn over the picosecond a programme ends, they have their presenters jump on the screen in front of the credits and blabber and gesture all the way through so you haven't the faintest idea who was responsible. Anyway, the principle's sound - Captain Star is a funny, well-done cartoon amazingly not made in the US.

The series has just finished, climaxing tremendously with Captain Star being kidnapped as part of a devilish plot to win a Captain Star lookalike competition.

CAPTAIN TIGHTS

Righter of wrongs, wearer of tights. Sheila in some tights. "Tights is a funny word," says billobv.

CARBON ON UP THE KHYBER

Springing lithely into a conversation about drinks, Danger Mouse expressed a preference for carbonation. billobv promptly bottled him at source, later carbonising him and placing the bits between the leaves of a heavy book for a few zillion years to make Diamond DM. Revelling in his shininess and versatility (as a diamond, DM could be the centre of a heist story, the vital component in a criminal mastermind's death ray, the big expensive bit on the cane of the King of Ruritania, or the world's greatest secret agent disguised as a valuable jewel), Diamond Danger randomly blinded people glitteringly, until billobv had a stroke of mind-thought and put sunglasses on the multi-faceted master of mice, then threw him into some wasteground so he was a diamond in the rough. DM attempted to escape by playing himself onto the green with a nine-iron, but billobv rearranged the letters so he was playing flog. This did not deter DM, who, unknown to everyone, was a professional flog player. A round of letter-changings occurred, leaving a passing KT playing ogfl, and billobv becoming bobvill ("A Really Nice Place To Live," apparently) via vollibb. Vengefully, billobv twiddled KT and DM so they became, respectively, Tricky Knicky and Stewart Granger. Fortunately, at this point a lightbulb blows.

CAROL SINGING

(Toonplay.) Joining in the Toonplay carol singing, billobv composed several brilliant verses that were so clever they left the other contestants in speechless admiration and buses leaving for the nearest border. These are they.

LINES COMPOSED ON THE ENTRANCE OF OKKAY
Okkay bells, Okkay bells
Okkay all the way
O, what fun it is to Okk
-ay Okkay Okkay Okk. Ay.

and

VERSE CELEBRATING THREE TOONPLAY RESIDENTS
Ye three kings of Toonplayville are
Rhia and Okkay and Runt in a car
(billobv sticks Runt in a car to bolster the realism)
Here on the branches
Doing some dances
Following TV stars... liiiiiike... Stars of sitcom, star of Morse, star of tedious regional sport, all these actors, Krypton Factors, and one hundred and sixty more.

and

Oh. In fact, that's all for the carols.

CATS

Cats are sinister fiends.

Lola Bunny defended cats passionately as lovely lovable lovelies just out to expend some energy, so billobv compromisingly took Toony's armour (see TOONY'S ARMOUR) back from David Mouse and gave him a machine-gun instead.

CAUTION

The drink you're afraid to touch. Amazing value, as one family-sized bottle will last forever.

CHALKING A POOL CUE WITH A MOUSE IS RUBBISH

billobv has proved this with David's aid.

CHEERIO

billobv's unwavering goodbye. Occasionally topped by KT with "Froot Loop, billobv," a joke that everyone in the world appears to get except billobv.

David Mouse has laid claim to "Cheerio," using the excuse that he's been saying it since he was born. billobv produces a Warner Cafe contract giving him exclusive rights to "Cheerio," "Blimey," and "falls down stairs." David produces exactly the same contract, except just about "Cheerio" and with his name at the top. They march purposefully to the executive boardroom, because it always has really good sandwiches. What will happen next?

CHICKENITIS

(Toonplay.) billobv arrived to be greeted by Okkay with a cheery "bukk!". Correctly diagnosing an outbreak of Chickenitis, billobv isolated Okkay, then called in top Chickenitis and smock expert Okkay. Handing over a tray of surgical instruments, including a surgical trumpet, a surgical cello and one of those squeaky plastic hammers that goes Beep! when you hit something with it, billobv observed Okkay form a surgical band and cure Okkay with the power of surgical music. Another successful medical case for Doctor Okkay - Ace Doctoring-Type Okkay Person. Hurrah!

CHILLY AND A MOP

Having been foiled in balancing a glass of orange juice on KT's back as the turtle scrubbed industriously at some dropped ice-cream by KT finishing and straightening, billobv mopped at the carpet in turn. Turning to thank Chilly Mouse for her assistance with a smaller mop, he was slightly surprised to see she'd left unannounced; also, that the mop he was squooshing in the plastic drain bit of the bucket was making strange "Agh! Help! Blub. Agh! Help! Glug" noises. "An inexplicable mystery," billobv Vincent Prices.

CHILLY MOUSE'S MOTHER

Might possibly secretly be in charge of war, which is slightly alarming, as she uses the word "nuking" to describe heating things in a microwave. Chilly has been charged with the responsibility of keeping the world's nations safe, or at least the food piping hot.

The state of world emergency following the microwave's repeated sparking was called off after Sheila Warner (Chief Scientist - see MONTY PYTHON, CONTINUING PERCEPTION OF BRITAIN'S COMEDY AS COMPRISING SOLELY: HARRY HILL) prevented the bang-fizz by suggesting wrapping things in paper towels to insulate the foil boxes. A grateful panel of global leaders awards Sheila a medal shaped like an electron. Chilly offers her a bite of an unsparkly-baked toastie.

CHINESE JUGGLING

Receiving a dinner plate from Okkay, billobv set it spinning atop a length of cane. Unable to reach his dinner, KT raised a table with four other lengths of cane. billobv continued spinning, showering the Cafe with bits of meatloaf, until KT knocked away the plate and become trapped on the wobbling cane due to a shift in the world's weather patterns, or something. Observing KT's high-speed spin, billobv applauded. "This is an excellent act," says billobv. "Except it wasn't terribly clever of me to stop wobbling the cane, come to think of - Aghk!"

CHOPPO

The mysterious cloaked swordfighting hero in a mask, who's really Don Knottso del Okkay, the chopstick queen.

billobv hastily erases your mind of Choppo's secret identity.

CIRCUS ACT RIGHT HERE IN THE BARN (CAFE), WEIRDGUY, OKKAY AND BILLOBV PUT ON THEIR

Carrying the still swollen Okkay (see OKKAYFROTH) on his shoulders to do some little dancing, billobv was himself picked up by Weirdguy, who started juggling balls and passing them up in a sort of reverse waterfall. The act seemed set for a long engagement at the music halls until Okkay ate the balls and died.

COLOSSAL DISASTER

The page of billobv has been updated piecemeal lately due to billobv's being frightfully busy. Utterly tragically, after six months of swooningly hard work on an "Operation," the company billobv was dealing with has pulled out due to stupidity. "If anyone knows a host with the capacity to deal with 11,500 files totalling 2.5gb and an anticipated daily readership of tens of thousands, write to me care of this station," entreats billobv. "That pesky stupidity," he adds.

This is not "Operation Wicker," however. (See OP WICKER.)

COME ALONG NOW, GET UP, SHAKE IT OFF, REMEMBER YOU'RE BRITISH. THIS IS UNSEEMLY

The advice given by chapter eight of billobv's first aid book. It's also the advice in chapters nine to fifty-six and covers just about everything up to total systolic collapse. (Chapter fifty-eight, dealing with total systolic collapse, suggests looking at the patient sternly and saying, "Tch.")

COMPLETELY RUBBISH SWORDFIGHT

billobv's swordfight with Danger Mouse was completely rubbish. DM was crushed by the weight of his sword, and billobv jumped for the Cafe chandelier but fell into the cellar because there wasn't one. As the Cardinal's guards attacked, billobv snatched up DM and began shooting by pointing the mouse who said "Bang." The guards drew their own mice and said "Bang" back, and soon a completely rubbish gunfight was in progress. Vanquishing the villains, billobv pinned a sheriff's badge to DM's chest and rode off into the sunset, striking his head on the backdrop.

COMPLETELY RUBBISH SWORDFIGHT, ANOTHER

Tony Skunk awarded billobv a trophy for a joke, but billobv had to return it because he'd lifted the joke from A Night at the Opera. "It's a splendid trophy though," he said. "Er, sorry for dropping a bag of pencil shavings in it." Tony bopped billobv with the trophy, causing billobv to draw his own trophy and parry! thrust! and all that sort of thing with aplomb, also a trophy, until Tony drew a cutlass instead and parted the trophy straight down the middle. Dot pointed out billobv's trophies were parted on the left, and everybody jumped out of the way. billobv whipped aside a cloak he kept for such a contingency and drew a cutpurse, who immediately ran away, then a windlass... cutloose, pantaloons, crab-paste sandwich... who packed this thing?... ah, there it is... drew a cutlass of his own. Tony stood waiting for billobv, who now began to read the owner's manual, discovering "1. Keep pointy end away from body" and "2. Say "Ar-harr!" a lot, then find a cannon or something really quickly." At that point, the entire population of the world went off to watch one of Dot's anime tapes instead.

COP OUT

KT and billobv's action movie about a maverick rebel misfit unconventional policeman who shouts a lot, and has gone too far so is thrown out of the force, yet does nothing exciting for the entire movie, and is revealed to be gay, and is called Out. Cleverly they have negotiated a percentage of the merchandising.

COOL, REFRESHING GLASS OF SPRING WATER

billobv offered such a thing around several times, but no one accepted. "It's almost as if they suspected something," he puzzles innocently. "Like, for example, the etching on the glasses saying A Present From the Spring in Ranma ¹/₂," says everyone.

CREDIT CARDS

During a discussion about people who ring you up and try to sell you credit cards, billobv revealed the vital question he'd want answered: "If you're ambushed by a gang of sinister black-clad assassins, can you throw the card like a frisbee, and hit a vital nerve point on the leader's wrist, so he drops his gun and says, "Curses!" and everyone else runs away?"

CRUET FU

Mr Fu fiercely objected to being called Cute Fu by Sheila. billobv handed him a deed poll, announcing that the relevant authorities had agreed to recognise Mr Fu's new name of "Mr Cute Fu." (The document misspelled it "Mr Cruet Fu" but the principle was sound.) There was also a small badge and a voucher. Fu moved to eat the document and throw the badge in a bin, but at that point Egg struck with a mutation. (See WAITER, I'D LIKE THE FUDAVEBILL.)

CROUTONS

billobv tipped a box of croutons down the back of KT's neck, then shook him vigorously over a bowl to see if the croutons would come out of the hole for his leg. You know, to see if KT could be used as a pepper-shaker or something, except for croutons.

CURSE OF THE CLAM

"By Valve!"

---

DAKKOCELOT GNAWS ON THE EAVES

The gruesome outcome of a house hunt, which had been precipitated by a slightly misunderstood haunted house bit. "Bleurgh! Eurgh!" grimaces billobv as Dakkocelot worries a juicy scrap of mortgage.

DAKKO'S BEARD, THINGS THAT HAVE BEEN PULLED FROM

A small East Anglian village complete with thriving corner shop (set free outside, pursued by Dakko calling, "Wait! I want to buy some cheese!"); the cast of Dad's Army, the always popular show about some oldblokes (they too now have beards, each containing Dakko. This is probably something to do with maths); billobv saying, "Cheerio, all" (and you can't argue with the beard-billobv).

DAKKO'S RATTLING PARCEL

Dakko gave billobv a rattling parcel. billobv rattled it for a bit (it made a rattling noise) then, when Dakko observed it hadn't exploded, made a bit of an eek noise and plunged it into a pucket of pwater. Dakko retrieved and opened it to reveal billobv's dancing shoes, just back from the cobbler. "Oh no! The old real parcel routine!" swooned billobv, giving Dakko a wrapped elephant, but Dakko cleverly slipped an opened jar of peanut butter under the paper to see what would happen. An absent Okkay takes no action. (See OKKAY PB WARNER.)

DAKKO'S SPLOGLET

Dakko fished around in his pocket, producing the mystery item. billobv, with the aid of the microscope set-up from Our Man Flint, examined it closely, declaring it a saxophone, dehydrated for portability. Vakko then doused him with water and stuffed him in a drier, causing the sax to expand and re-contract, and also billobv to become wet, then banged about unhumidly inside the device. Vakko, to save time, had also thrown in some damp towels, causing a towel attack. Finally emerging, billobv placed one of Vakko's fingers in the bell of the sax and blew a hearty note, inflating Vakko's head and causing him to float around the Cafe. Vakko then exhaled, landing on billobv and becoming stuck to him by static cling. Only pop music could save them now, but Vakko used a Van der Graaf generator instead. This caused Van der Graaf to appear. billobv finally escaped by putting 10p in a Robotron coin-op, which caused a static bang and threw them apart. "Works every time," says billobv. "Hang on, my 10p didn't register a credit," he adds.

DAKKO'S YAWN

Dakko yawned titanically, causing everyone to wobble across the Cafe floor. "Good job I was able to grab this table," says billobv. "I'm going to sneeze now," announces Dakko.

DANGER EGG

His stand-up act less than a success (see also THE AMAZING JEFFO, MR MEMORY and WICKED CRAZY: THE BROADWAY MUSICAL), Danger Mouse moved straight to the climax, swallowing an egg, becoming egg-shaped and falling off the stage and cracking yolkily. With the aid of Kathy, a frying pan, a small portable stove and Taperlass's flipping/spice skills, Danger Egg became Danger Cajun Omelette, tasty and nutritious, with minimal bits of floor and shell. And mud and dust, as Fu wasn't around with his backpack/gunslinger-style vacuum cleaner. And bits of foil. "Deee-licious!" declares Danger Mouse, tucking in. "Although curiously familiar."

DANGER MOUSE'S COMPASS

Insisting he could draw circles perfectly well with a compass (billobv maintained he would need a pair of compasses), DM drew a circle on billobv demonstratively. billobv then drew a circle on the ceiling directly above DM, and one directly beneath him, so the mouse agent fell down in a continuous stream. After 27.5 hours, billobv dropped a trampoline down the hole, which DM bounced between in another continuous stream for a further 27.5 hours. billobv threw in a few chickens as well, to keep DM company, then turned one of the holes upside-down so it exerted an opposite force, bringing DM to a wobbling halt exactly halfway. He then passed a hoop around the mousebloke to show there were no hidden wires and performed a card trick. DM slowly rotated in mid-air for a bit, before billobv grew bored and drew two or three concentric circles inside the one on the floor, making a target, upon which DM landed daintily.

DANGER MOUSE SMACK-A-QUOTE GAME

Danger Mouse is so wary of being drawn into a quoting contest that he jarringly smacks himself across the face should he begin. billobv noticed that by starting a quote himself, DM would be compelled to finish it and thus smack himself penalisingly. billobv scored a respectable 36 points in the DM Smack-a-Quote Game before Danger Mouse realised that hitting billobv would be of more help.

DANGEROUS DEATH WITH DANGER MOUSE

Dropped to the bottom of a lake of spring water while impersonating a news anchor, Danger Mouse floundered with secret agent calmness. billobv, thinking swiftly, dropped a coil of rope in the lake and asked DM to tie one end to something then throw it up through a Cafe window. DM did so, and billobv swarmed upwards down the rope into the lake, hoisted DM over his shoulder in a fireman's lift and climbed back down up the rope to safety. Laying DM on a table with scant regard for the cruet set, billobv applied his powers of medicine to take the glooby mouse's pulse, but hadn't an idea how to, so counted his ears instead and confidently ticked the box "Alive" in a report. Tragically, he'd neglected to look in DM's lungs, which were full of water, and DM drowned on dry land, although was coolly refreshed while doing so. billobv was just thinking of something to do, like say Danger Mouse had gone on holiday to Chile or something, when Dead DM tapped him on the shoulder to complain, and billobv died of shock. The two deadfolk then wandered around the Cafe for a bit trying to think of some way of getting back in their bodies (billobv had brought his with him, but DM's was still waterlogged and needed running through a giant mangle or something) before billobv realised they were Americanised dead (see AMERICANISED SPELLING), and by correctly returning the U and the I, they became deaiud, a made-up word that means nothing. Springing up unharmed, they shook hands in a lively manner. (See also RETURN OF DANGEROUS DEATH WITH DANGER MOUSE.)

DANGER TOAST

Disguised as a piece of toast, Da... Look, who writes this stuff?

DAVID MOUSE'S EMULATION OF BUSTER KEATON (DESPITE BEING UNCONSCIOUS), A DRAMATIC RESCUE SHOWCASING

After Okkay Mouse fell on her head but was curiously slow in shaking off her state of orbiting-stars babblement, billobv determined via scientific instruments and winding a handle that all was not well in the land of the unconscious, and Okkay's consciousness must have been caught in a door by the sleeve or something. Assisting the terribly worried David by clonking him on the nut with an appropriately-reduced mallet then directing him through the unseas of unconsciousness using a splendid ungalleon to Okkay, whose sleeve was caught in a door attached to a log drifting towards a waterfall, billobv halted the ungalleon on the cusp of the falls by switching off the engine and lowered the spunky mouse on a rope. After a slightly rubbish beginning when billobv's poorly-judged swingings merely smacked David against the side of the ship, they succeeded in getting a rhythm going, and David, tensed upside-down, suspensefully managed to catch Okkay as the log plunged past into space. As the pair scrambled on board the ungalleon, the appearance of a nightmarish unsea-monster provoked a round of aghing, until Taperlass projected her face into the unsky like a big Little Nemo planet and urged David to use his powers of belief. Fortunately, David believed himself to be supremely the mightiest being in the universe, and the party was able to escape with little trouble. Back in the Cafe, as David and Okkay clasped in a fade-out embrace, billobv went to write down the adventure, but had immediately forgotten everything on waking up.

DECOY BIT

billobv gave Danger Mouse a decoy, which DM hid behind, spectacularly missing the point altogether.

DEXTER'S LABORATORY

A cartoon billobv likes vastly. (This entry will expand considerably at some point.)

DIRECTION

The Director swept out to attend an opening night party. billobv, floundering, began TO emphasise all THE WRONG things. KT stepped in, giving direction in clipped German tones (which are a bit like clipped German hair, except not much). Improvising, billobv earned the director's tantrumy wrath, involving KT's tartly reading only every second word of billobv's, and never worked in this town again, although did so in the one next door quite a bit.

DOING THE IONING

Runt announced he'd messed things up bigly. billobv leapt through an escape hatch and was projected into space, just in time for Vakkotaur to switch on his home-made ionospheric modulator, bending the ionosphere to his will. "This won't end well," remarked billobv prophetically, then, "W-o-o-o-a-a-a-h-h-h-h-h!" as Vakko's will was to turn the ionosphere into a global subwoofer. Instructing MC Jackie Potato (who'd appeared due to licensing, or a continuity error, or something) to search the stricken escape capsule for an escape capsule, billobv listened to the thunderous roar of MC Jackie Potato escaping in an escape capsule, and spotted the flaw. "It's all right, I've fixed things now," says Runt above the distant mountain-striking boof of billobv crash-landing in Ireland at 2,007 mph.

DON'T DIE, MR FU

The song billobv wrote for Fu after observing the plenitude of songs Fu had written for other patrons. Tragically the effect was greatly diminished by Fu having completely forgotten what was on his own page, so responding to the traditional introduction of the song he had himself established ("Hey, rat - guess what I've made for you") by looking blank like a lank hank. "Well, I still like it," says billobv. "It mostly rhymes and everything."

billobv has recently rediscovered the song, having put it in the wrong place and forgotten what he'd called it. Here it is. If you don't know the tune, you can download the original Daffy number as a 358K mp3. (Incidentally, the bit at the beginning is from The Tick: the Daffy song's part of a genre-busting mix tape billobv keeps meaning one day to do side two of.)

(See also WARNER CAFE TITLE SONG.)

"DON'T DIE, MR FU!" v1
by billobv

(TO BE SUNG SLIGHTLY CROSSLY BY MR FU TO THE TUNE OF THE DAFFY DUCK NUMBER TAKING OFF LISZT'S HUNGARIAN RHAPSODY NUMBER TWO.)

As I lock up the Cafe door
And set to work and mop the floor
While practising my sidekick moves
And brushing up my sidekick grooves
I'm glum at what the dawn will bring
As cheery patrons wander in
I fix 'em with a baleful stare
Though I'm a dan, they always dare

I'm Mr Fu, the punchbag rat
I'm blown up often, anvilled flat
If you've a grievance, work it off
And cheer at my expiring cough

Warners to the right of me
Toons surround the rat with glee
They pause to buy their cups of tea
Then smile and smirk alarmingly

Violent death's my lot in life
And this lot wreak lots day and night
I wouldn't mind but always do
The Many Deaths of Mr Fu

Ow! Aaarghh! Eek!
They've gone and spanged me with a spade
Ow! Aaarghh! Eek!
A deep dark well they use
Ugh! Agh! Woah!
I'm cooking in a pie they've made
Hey! Oh no!
The heat's set off the fuse

Bof, those Warner Cafe guys
I see the science in their eyes
"Hey - if we fry him, will he flare?
Say, would these pieces stretch to there?"
Poked and hammered in the head
And killed to death until I'm dead
Then stepped on daily by mistake
And served up as a stringy steak
I always make a feeble show
Of dealing with a "glancing blow"
The bang of cannon rings and lingers
My spine snaps like jazzmen's fingers

Fatal! Each time it's fatal
Although it's true I'm back immediately I'm pained by hurt considerably

The variety! Gets notoriety
With stranglin' janglin' wranglin' danglin' brand-spank-newest-fanglin' poor rat manglin'

Sorry! You'll all be sorry
When I am dead and gone although I come back good as new and ripe for wrong

Love me! Is that so funny
I just can't help my klepto nature that leads me to take your junk and money

I'm
Mis-
ter Fu!

Bye now! See you tomorrow!

Aghkkk!

(IS TRODDEN ON.)

DOT LAUGHS IN THE FACE OF DANGER

This bit was excellent, although DM was a tad surprised.

DOT'S POLICE

A force for law and order set up by Dot and consisting of Yakko, Neu and Plucky kitted out splendidly with badges, whistles, big sticks, bigger hats and repeated knees-bent calls of, "'Ello, 'ello, 'ello, what's all this then?" The patrons sleep safely at night, knowing the streets are patrolled by these mighty guardians of justice. Dot's Police are assisted unofficially by preening detective, Hercule Ploirot, which makes things hard for Plucky at times, although he does get paid twice.

DRAINED DAVID

(Toonplay.) David Mouse was too drained even to complain about his pesky housemates. Obligingly, billobv put a tube in his ear and squirted him full of electro-energy with an atomic bicycle pump, but, clearing David's small headache aside, it didn't really help. Elsewhere Runt stands at the side of a rainy road with an unfixable atomic bicycle puncture.

DRINKING STRAWS

Taking advantage of KT's appearance in a minimally-animated cartoon sequence restricted to him banging a table and shouting, billobv2 acted with impunity. First, he put some drinking straws up KT's nose, causing KT to bang a table and shout. Then he twanged KT's cartoon fangs and put a big Pancho Villa moustache on the hapless turtle. Then he was clipped round the ear and stuffed in a Slinky as KT secured a larger animation budget. It is hard to work out the moral, as billobv2 said "Wheee! Hurrah!" a lot instead of displaying contrition.

DRUID HIPPIES

"Would these be called Drippies?" wonders billobv.

DUCK A L'ORANGE

Feeling a taste for it, Tony threw some oranges at Plucky. They hit him stunningly, then rolled away. billobv stepped in to throw some topical magazines at Plucky, but saw him cleverly duck the issues. An unconsciousness leads to billobv consulting his first aid book. (See COME ALONG NOW, GET UP, SHAKE IT OFF, REMEMBER YOU'RE BRITISH. THIS IS UNSEEMLY.)

DUCK CALL

Slightly breaking Danger Mouse's duck call by shouting at it to send more ducks, billobv blew in rapid succession a mouse call (a failure as he doesn't make mouse calls), a house call (causing a house to fall on DM), Neu's noble calling (causing DM to be twanged by a small noble with a ruler) and up a balloon, which he attached to the end of the house call and tied to the bottom of DM's foot. Danger Mouse then sat there utterly helpless for about 98 years, until he asked Chilly for assistance. Chilly untied everything and gave him a pillow, which he used to hit billobv with. "There's gratitude for you," tsked billobv. "Or being hit with a pillow or something, I forget. Owp! Now I remember," he finishes.

DUCK COOKS TUCK

How a spinning newspaper reported Plucky's leaving to have dinner.

DUCKMAN PLUMBER BIT

As the last Duckman episode billobv saw was Colour of Naught, he was pleased to find a sample of the introducing-the-plumbing-company bit from the next series. "In fact, I'll just listen to it one more time," he says. Again.

DUCKS GET CUSSED UP BAD

Examining an advertisement in which a duck is knocked down in the air by a 747, Plucky crossly pointed out that ducks always get it. "Not at all - they succeed unfailingly in The Far Side," countered billobv. "Not in the one with the chicken nude beach," came Plucky's rejoinder. billobv twanged Plucky with a ruler, leaving Plucky triumphantly with his point proven and a ruler-twanged head.

---

EAU D'EAU

The great smell of water - in a bottle.

EEK

It's all right, it's just a rumour.

EILEEN MAY, DOCTOR

Inventor of the month of May, who married Theo Mouse, inventor of the mouse. (The real one.)

EL EMENOPEE

What billobv thinks they should have called El Nino, because it's educational.

ELTRUT YKNIK

The inverted universe Kinky Turtle. (See VAKKO'S PHONOGRAPH PLANS.) "This sounds a bit like Eivol Ekdal from Batman," says billobv, "so is excellent." EY goes around gnikop people.

EK

Ekko's instrument. He plays it stylishly well.

EKKO

A known associate of billobv (see BILLOBV), Ekko is a silent, though expressively elastic, black-and-white toon, in appearance an unfinished animation model with a big patched coat and a crumpled stovepipe hat. Uniquely among black-and-white toons, Ekko has never sung, even in the silent manner of emitting wiggly notes, considering it, well, you know, sort of (shrugs). Yet to appear, largely because there's already an Ekko. Drat.

EMMY'S BOWLER

Demonstrating her splendid new bowler, Emmy inadvertently sparked a lengthy Laurel and Hardy routine between Tex Marten and billobv; or at least would have done had Tex any idea who Laurel and Hardy are, instead confusing Stan with the character from South Park. billobv looks into camera.

EMMY'S MATHEMATICAL PROOFS

Using a blackboard and scientific chalk, Emmy proved billobv didn't exist. Fortunately, billobv was able to rub out three bits in the middle and replace them with a game of hangman, thus preventing disaster. "H-rr-h!" he beamed existingly. At that point, Danger Mouse interceded as Emmy's henchmouse with a club, but was knocked down by the club who wanted his autograph. Emmy displayed the mathematical proofs on a napkin she'd prepared earlier, as DM turned the electricity off to stop the fans and jumped on billobv again. In the nick of time, billobv radioed the pocket universe DM had previously eaten in mistake for a piece of popcorn, and had everyone there run to one side, so DM overbalanced and fell down, then rearranged the letters of Emmy's napkin so it became Mandy Patinkin. DM was taken away by Dot's Police, leaving billobv to say, "You play with the letters, you, er, something pithy... Words... Funny words go here" and get his nose caught in the iris-out.

EMMY'S MAKEOVER EMPORIUM

Emmy, deciding it was billobv makeover night, solicited Lola's opinion on what would look peachy swell on a bunch of words, and decided a red dress would fit the bill. Swatting down billobv's amateurish comments ("A handbag? With this hat?"), Emmy completed the ensemble with a delightful shawl, approtie-coloured lipstick and some lovely shoes. billobv couldn't help but wonder if that bit was meant to ride up there and appealed to camera, "Gracious, how do you girls stand this?" "Years of practice," replied Kathy. Later billobv outfitted Emmy in evening clothes, a cummerbund and muttonchop whiskers and asked her to ask him for a little dance, but snapped both his legs due to his ridiculously high heels. Applying Leg-O, the wonder liniment, he swapped the shoes for some purple Docs and tried to drape himself across a piano but missed. billbv recommends Emmy's emporium to all his friends, sidestepping Emmy's question of why he changed back by giving her a half-second flash of an old library ticket and claiming it's note from his doctor. The ruse works, except for failure. (See also RAD'S RAZOR.)

EVERYTHING-FREE COCKTAIL, THE

Pour lots of things into a glass, then throw it away. "It's the latest thing," champions billobv.

EVERYTHING (LICH LORD) FALLS APART AND MORE

Lich Lord, the undead Cafe patron, is pricklish about his unstable physical condition. KT brought in a prototype LL doll, which, when you pulled the string, yelled in a mechanical doll voice, "I don't fall apart, dammit!" and then fell apart, but LL refused to endorse the toy and the line never made it to the shops. Christmas will be the poorer for it.

EVETS WARNER CAMEO

Evets arrives. "I was working at an orange juice factory here in town, but they fired me because I couldn't concentrate." Evets leaves. billobv looks into camera.

EVIL DEAD FU

Fu has become convinced he has only three months to live. What will happen next? "I've no idea," says billobv, "but I'm a tad irked he didn't mention it, thus leading me to think his fearful strop was caused by something I'd done. I don't know - sometimes, some patrons just don't stop to think, eh, Plucky?" (See PLUCKY, BILLOBV'S UNCANNY ABILITY TO OFFEND WITHOUT HAVING THE SLIGHTEST IDEA HE'S DOING IT.) "Oh no, not again."

Later, Fu revealed he was merely feeling a bit blah-y, and wasn't going to die in exactly three months after all. billobv reminded him that Fu feeling a bit blah-y in fact consisted of him, Fu, sitting at the bar, while he, billobv, was repeatedly pulverised by Sylvia over the destruction of her absurdly overpowered car (see VIVA FU!). Balancingly, billobv asked Fu to hold a bomb, but Fu's hands were full and billobv was slightly blown up in a small explosion. Fu had, in fact, been mistaken, and both his hands were entirely empty, and that showed him.

Later, Fu and billobv take bows to thunderous applause. "Hurrah!" says billobv, clapping Fu across the shoulder and breaking his spine in 834 places.

EVIL OKKAY

Okkay exposed Disney as evil, and WB as bad-evil (they used to be good-evil, apparently). billobv points out he isn't evil, if that helps, which it probably doesn't. Okkay bafflingly runs away.

EXAMS

billobv has exams. KT stuffs pieces of bread into his mouth. billobv is crammed! He passes brilliantly. Everyone poses for photographs.

EXCELLENT CALVIN GAG

Apropos of nothing, Masem gives Hobbes a stuffed human boy. billobv laughs for 127.2 seconds.

EXPRESSIONS OF DISMAY, A BILLOBV COMPENDIUM OF

"Aghk!" "Waghk!" "Oeurk!" "Oob." "Owblgch!" "Pleuch!" "Bleurgh." "Fleurngh." "Gleurgch!"

EXTRY! EXTRY!

Plucky wandered in with a nice mug of cocoa. billobv put a little umbrella in Plucky's mug to make it a fun, exciting, now, happening drink for the 90s, and Emmy set up cocoa bars all over the immediate vicinity. A spinning newspaper announced, "Cocoa Bars Spring Up Everywhere! Cocoa Stocks Rocket!" but Emmy held it still to reveal the headline was really "Cows In Middle East Die Of Chicken Pox." billobv turned the newspaper the right way up to show the headline was actually, "Victorian Values Subject To Inflation," and Emmy rolled up the newspaper and bopped him with it. Sheila pointed out the headline was really in Russian and read, "Gorbachev Sings!", and billobv turned it again and soaked it with water so the backwards writing correctly displayed, "Moon Visible Through Glass Ceiling." Emmy insisted that, in fact, it still mentioned cows and the Middle East, so billobv removed her sunglasses that had one lens painted "COWS" and the other "THE MIDDLE EAST." Emmy couldn't recall wearing sunglasses, so billobv removed her hat that had a long pole with a note depending from it in front of her face saying, "Youuuuu will forgettt youuuu are wearinggg sunglassesss." Emmy wasn't aware she was wearing a hat, and billobv demolished the huge building in her line-of-sight that is carved in the shape of the words "You will not remember wearing a hat either." Emmy didn't know she was looking at a building either. "Of course not, Emmy, you couldn't see it through the sunglasses," says billobv. Everyone looks into camera.

EYEBROWING TIGER

News reaches the Cafe of an escaped tiger. Hobbes lopes in. "Is it female? And if she's female, is she a Siberian tigress? And does anyone have her address? Rowl!" His eyebrows shutter preposterously and he waggles a stick of celery in the manner of a cigar. Everyone looks into camera.

EYE ETIQUETTE

Removing Plucky's eyes to add to the ping-pong ball he already had so he could juggle, billobv was admonished by the famous duck for this social faux pas. Swiftly billobv batted away the ball and juggled the eyes back into place, but had messed up, leaving Plucky with a ping-pong peeper. billobv drew on an iris with a big black felt-tip pen, only to find he was right in the first place and it was Plucky's eye, just turned round a bit too much. billobv spins it to face forwards. "Now Plucky can see behind him as well!" he exclaims. "Into his own head. Ermph."

---

F1

Inexplicably popular with several patrons, the dissolvingly boring sport can be time-savingly summed up thus: some cars drive round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round in a circle and someone's judged to be the winner.

FAINTIN' DAVID

Observing that reviving David Mouse with a bucket of water led to amusement, billobv speculatively threw another load over Tony Fox, but this just got him blown up with a big bangy bomb.

FERRULE

The knobby button thing on the end of an umbrella. billobv could remember only that it was "something-oule," but Michael Mink named it in one. This led to several ferrule-related bits, including billobv, armed with the knowledge of ferrules, playing fer; Vakko handing out ules (the non-ferrous kind); and Michael simplifying the situation with a ferrule of thumb, then recognising KT as billobv's ferrule godmother. billobv checks the size of this entry with a ferruler.

FIELD IN BERMONDSEY, A

Specifically where billobv lives. Being hassled by a cow.

All right, not any longer.

FIZZ

A markedly peppier police force.

FLAPPY CHEEKS

Despite hours of rehearsal, KT blew his lines. "bollobiv!" he greeted billobv. "Er, vibbolov! blvioob!" billobv manipulated KT's flappy cheeks to produce the correct sounds, then drank a glass of water while kneading KT's maw into declaiming a soliloquy. For an encore, billobv asked for a volunteer to saw KT in half, and when KT stepped forwards, shut him in a box, placed a saw in the turtle's third hand and egged him on. But the holes were poorly placed and KT couldn't reach, so billobv chopped up the box with an axe and used carpentry tools to add an extra central section. At this point Jeff wandered in with the tin of mauve billobv had meant to use to paint identifying numbers on the box sections before a-chopping, and everyone looked into camera. Thinking swiftly, billobv picked up a handful of KT pieces, fanned them and asked Jeff to pick a piece, any piece, and to show it around, but not to let him, billobv, see it. billobv then shuffled the pack, made a magic gesture, and showed Jeff his chosen KT piece - the three of clubs. For the finale, billobv restored KT once more, carefully laying the sections back in the box, sneezing a negligible number of times and dropping in only a few cupsful of pencil shavings. Jeff helpfully kicked the extra bit of KT he'd spotted under a chair, and as billobv rapped on the box with his wand, KT leapt out to thunderous applause, except not much, as he was a sort of big green Rubik's Cube. billobv, sensing he was losing the audience, swapped his top hat for a straw boater, and barked, "Roll up! Roll up! Rearrange the Amazing KT Puzzle Cube! A prize for the winner." This prompted KT to solve himself, and he received a bag of authentic sand and a packet of seed seeds, so he could at last grow his own seeds. Loudly talking over KT's protestations that he had no green thumb (Jeff pointed out he now, in fact, did, thanks to a pickle that had been knocked into the box during the restoration), billobv gathered up the door receipts and departed for climes.

FLU

Runt had the flu for eight to nine weeks. Lawks.

FLY LIKE A FLY

Soliciting Vakko's help in ungluing himself from a chair by throwing the taur the other end of a rope and asking him to pull powerfully, billobv found himself hurtling through the air. Exercising complete muscular control, he angled himself to pass harmlessly through a Cafe window so precisely that he didn't even touch the curtains, except Lich Lord closed the window at that exact moment because of the draught. Returning studded with glass, billobv brushed himself down, cutting his hands badly. Chilly passed over a first aid kit, but someone had used it first, leaving billobv to find an alternative ointment. (See BALM BIT.)

FLY TO FREEDOM, LEETLE FEESH

Handed a salmon, billobv set it free. Everyone watched the lightly broiled fish dish sink to the bottom with a disconsolate bloop. billobv attaches some floats and a small outboard motor and sends it puttering away downstream. "Close enough."

FNAR

Acronym for For No Apparent Reason, but better known to readers of Viz (see VIZ) as the gurgled catchphrase of Finbarr Saunders (And His Double Entendres). "The confusion is funny!" says billobv. "For a bit."

FNAR, ME HEARTIES

From a lengthy pirate bit prompted by Michael Mink's harmless observation of Masem's Pyrex decor (leading to pyrex being spotted off the port bow... you can fill in the rest). (See also MOUNTIE PIRATES VERSUS DRACULA: THE KINEMATOGRAPH.)

FOILED BY A CHEAP CINEMATIC TRICK

billobv picked up and wore Fionacat, as she was the latest style. Fionacat danced clawfully on his head. "Ow! Agh! I'm a fashion victim!" yelps billobv, descending from the perpendicular.

FOURTH WALL, FIFTH WALL, WHO CARES? WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT THESE SEMI-CIRCULAR HOLES IN MY SKIRTING BOARD?

Slappy Squirrel looked into camera. billobv looked into camera. Sylvia Fox observed the cameraman run away shrieking about everyone looking at him all the time. billobv tonfs, but stops when someone asks him what it means, and he hasn't the slightest idea.

FOX... TONY FOX

A period of confusion left Plucky with small birds circling his head in the approved manner. Tony Fox stalked one of the birds with stealth, but it pulled an assault rifle, causing him to withdraw gracefully. The bird then flittered across to an inconspicuous hillock, which flowered open to reveal an underground base with lots of little birds dashing about in grey jumpsuits, and one sinister black-clad bird stroking a very small cat. Tony, sensing a boding of ill for the world, produced a flight of A-10 Warthogs and set them upon the base. There followed a pitched battle between the air squadron and the jumpsuited birds, which ended in the rout of the underground base, and a huge missile flying off haphazardly to crash harmlessly in a birdbath. A tiny gyrocopter whisked the sinister black-clad bird away, squawking, "Curses! Outfoxed again!" A medal was bestowed.

FRENCH CONFECTION

KT gave Vakko a French Confection. Vakko ate it. "Egad! He's been confected!" cried billobv, isolating the taur. billobv waits to see if symptoms develop, also his holiday photos.

FU GOES HAWAIIAN

Fu was recently on holiday in Hawaii, having a tremendously splendid time and restfully not being killed daily. "I just put this in because I think the title is excellent," says billobv. "Like a completely terrible film, or something." The Cafe patrons decided to make Fu feel welcomingly wanted when he returned by throwing flour bags around and smashing plates so there was plenty to clean up. "A fine idea," approves billobv. "Hang on, I haven't finished eating," he continues. The plate is broken over his head and he loses interest, also consciousness.

FU'S GENERAL UPDATE HAIKU (ON WHAT HE'S BEEN DOING)

"Not a lot of stuff. I've been taking classes here - I'm in summer school." billobv shakes him by the hand and introduces a clip from the summer school. Everyone looks expectantly at the video screen, but nothing happens due to technical problems and billobv standing on a wire, causing congestion.

FUNKY BUNNY

What David was saying all the time at one point.

FURRY

See ANTHROPOMORPHOLOGICAL PATRONS.

FUSKY JABBERMITE

An epithet quite similar to pettifogging jobbernowl, except not much. Used by billobv to describe billobv2 as he was used by the duplicate as a club to defeat Stardust, except Stardust had already been defeated and he was hitting a wall. (See THERE'S ONLY ONE OF US, BUT A HALF OF YOU.)

FWAH!

A new exclamation coined by KT. (See also EXPRESSIONS OF DISMAY, A BILLOBV COMPENDIUM OF.)

This is also a convenient place to put the bit where billobv reported the free faux faun fan on the Freephone faux faun fan phone fanphone, in Foonplay.

---

GET THE PICTURE

A caption-writing game popular in some parts of the world, which billobv had never heard of but which some patrons touchingly thought he might be quite tolerable at, although they didn't lend him their sets in case he accidentally dropped them down a well or something.

GHOST IN THE SHELL

billobv was disappointed by the low-key performance of the ghost in KT's shell, so pushed a vacuum cleaner nozzle down his neck and blew it about a bit.

GIVE UNTIL IT HURTS

Making a lightning appearance (as he was busy being struck by lightning), billobv was handed a tornado by KT. Okkay then shook his hand, so he transferred the tornado to the other one to avoid Okkay being sucked up embarrassingly, then reciprocally gave KT a squall. KT furtherly gave billobv a tomato, which he observed zoom round and round the cone of the tornado at 9,004 mph, possibly to zip off suddenly and smack someone messily, while Weirdguy gave him some alligators, which due to full hands he had to grip lightly between some teeth, returning WG's favour with the gift of a flock of elephants (they were confused), chalking up his ability to do so to an extra hand written in as a continuity error. Spotting billobv's struggles for balance, KT gave him a canvas bag for storage, but billobv had nowhere to hold the canvas bag in order to put everything in it. He needed, in fact, to put it in some sort of bag, so KT gave him a bag bag for that purpose. billobv put the bag in the bag, then the gifts in the bag in the bag, just in time for KT to give him a jar, and a jar to keep it in. billobv thanks everyone, then turns and trips over a door-jamb, dropping everything down a well.

GOODBYE, MR BOND

Mr Bond shimmered into the Cafe. Slowly a large chair turned towards him, revealing KT looking all evil and everything, and stroking a white mouse (DM in lieu of a cat). The effect was spoiled as the chair kept turning and KT ended up looking back at the wall where he started, while Mr Bond found himself looking at billobv in a grey jumpsuit, who was pushing the chair from behind in lieu of a handle. After a strange interlude involving the letter Q, Mr Bond shimmered out, leaving KT to drop billobv into a concealed tank full of a white mouse (DM in lieu of some piranha).

GOOD EVENING

billobv's unwavering greeting, as it is always a good evening for billobv. The sequence marking subsequent returns (say, if someone is repeatedly biffed about by THNTRNTeiee) is "Good revening"; "Good threevening"; "Good evening once more"; and "Good etc."

GOOD VERSUS EVIL

KT was undecided over whether to scan a picture he'd drawn or not. billobv dressed Chilly and David Mouse in angelic and devilish wear respectively and plonked them on KT's shoulders. "Scan the picture! Scan the picture!" advised Chilly. "Kill everyone! Kill everyone! And don't scan the picture either!" cackled David. KT decided to scan the picture. To give the appearance of Chilly and David vanishing in puffs of smoke, billobv threw very small bags of flour at them. "A little voice told me to," he explains.

GOONS SONGS

billobv has electrically recorded the eight funny songs from The Goons' album, Unchained Melodies. So far, due to various tediously techy reasons, it has taken a month to send Vakko six of them. "Hurry up," says the universe. "I want to implode in a few billion years." billobv gives it a bicycle pump just in case, as number seven, A Russian Love Song, is a bit larger than usual.

The transfer has now finished, rendering this bit redundant. Er.

GOSH, IT'S QUIET

"Gosh, it's quiet," observed Dot. billobv tied bicycle horns to her feet. Dot decks him with a single blow.

GO WILD, GO CRAZY

(Toonplay.) No one was around, so billobv ran amok, in a stately and dignified manner.

Later, no one was around again, so billobv carefully turned all the ornaments slightly to the left. Har hargle har har! That'll teach somebody something somewhere at some point.

GRAVESTONE BUG

Students of the tediously over-analysed "Millennium Bug" will have noticed that for years gravestones have been pre-cut, "Died 19--". No one else seems to have, though.

GRAVY AND TEXAS THREATENED BY PLOTS

Mr Fu's onerous training to become Taperlass's sidekick concluded just in time, as the world's supply of gravy was threatened with vapourisation by Dr Vakko, simultaneous with Dakko as Professor TT Fiendish (that sly master of underhand doings) planning to annihilate Texas using the power of the sun and a giant magnifying glass. KT, as a henchturtle, with official small bowler hat and jumper with "HENCHTURTLE" written on the chest, assisted both sinister villains, while femme fatale Fenella Fatale, ably portrayed by Weirdguy, sought to distract Mr Fu with wiles and a loaded stick. Fortunately for gravy lovers everywhere, Taperlass and Fu succeeded in defeating the evil genius in their fab car, the Wax Stallion, and Dr Vakko's big machine blew up for no particular reason, as it should be. Dakko was forgotten in the excitement, so Texas was saved only by night happening to fall, but still, eh? Remarkably, billobv played no part in this, though did listen to the story in suspenseful excitement over the radio wireless. "It was excellent, and I want to buy all the official toys," he says, casting shadows by burning Blue Coal, Pennsylvania's finest anthracite.

GREETERDOT

To lend the Cafe a spot of class, Dot took up position beside the door, mechanically greeting every patron by name. billobv twiddled with the tapes improvingly. "Welcome.... *click, whirrrrr* to the jungle, Tony... Fox. For your safety, we ask... to take your knickers off. O Captain... my captain," continued Greeterdot. "Much better," beams billobv. Dot decks him with a single blow.

---

HAHAHAHAHAAH!

How billobv tried to laugh fiendishly, but transposed two letters, so hurting his throat.

HALF-LIFE OF PICKLE RELISH

Jeff would really like to know this, as he is eyeing a discovered jar speculatively.

HAND MODEL

KT speculated on a career for Fu as a hand model, gesturing towards an expensive gold watch sitting on a small velvet cushion, but billobv pointed out the photograph would actually be of a small velvet cushion with the distant sound of running and the dragging of metal. Or no cushion at all, come to think of it. Fu knocks him out and leaves him in a ditch.

HATS

billobv distributed hats: an evil hat for KT, a lovely hat for David (who was having a passing sinister urge and whose head would probably have come off if any extra evilness had been involved) and a mime hat for Chilly. The mime hat was clearly broken, as Chilly said "Hello" to someone, and KT become annoyed when he swapped hats with David and David's head failed to come off. In his annoyance, conveyed by facial expression, the turtle put a mime hat on billobv, who began honking a bicycle horn, dropping knives from his sleeve when shaking hands with people, and chasing girls around the Cafe. This unprecedented behaviour was later traced to a strange influence. (See STRANGE INFLUENCE.)

HEROIC CHAMPIONS ACTION FIGURES

Featuring space pilot Fire Hazard, tank commander Tac Nuke, technical wizard Len Brackets and some other people, except billobv got bored at that point.

Further figures have lately been added: Mars Crasher, rugged hero test pilot (the first man to break the sound barrier, then fix it again with duct tape) and Bomber Jacket.

HIDE-AND-SEEK

Playing hide-and-seek with KT, billobv jumped in a cupboard and disguised himself as a teapot. KT, having counted to one octillion, gave up looking almost immediately and decided to have a cup of tea. Picking up a convenient teapot, he filled it with boiling hot water, at which point billobv sprang into action. Wriggling out of KT's grasp as the turtle had a bit of a think, he ethcaped down the drain of the think, emerging from a pipe 173 miles away. Attempting to run all the way back before KT could tap him out, billobv ran out of breath due to continuous narration, and the the winner of the game turned out to be Varro. "I'd certainly have won," defends billobv, "if I'd been any good."

HIDEOUS KINKY

A new Brit-o-film billobv has just heard about. It probably isn't a Jekyll and Hyde remake with KT. That would be silly.

It wasn't.

HIDEOUS SUN DEMON INCIDENT

Weirdguy obtained a piece of paper, and was chased by a hideous sun demon. He posted the paper to billobv, who fooled the demon with a clever disguise, until Taperlass pulled it off, gasping, "Gasp of surprise! It was billobv all along!" Things looked grim for billobv, but at the last moment he bested the hideous sun demon in a game of scissors-paper-stone and it slunk away, swearing revenge. Hurrah!

HOBBES' BOOK

Hobbes published a book consisting of quickly written drivel. KT bought a copy, leading to a nationwide publicity campaign with, "This are drivel - K TURTLE," on the posters. KT went on to judge Hobbes' book by its cover, which was a nice shade of blue. Film rights still available.

HOBBES' LAUNCH

Hobbes, standing too quickly under ten green bottles standing on a wall, had one crash down on his head. Enormous crowds with balloons appeared and waved as the freshly launched Hobbes whizzed down the slipway and into the sea. "Bon voyage! Don't forget to write!" called billobv, dancing a little hornpipe. Alerted to the flaw by Hobbes saying, "Glub," billobv snatched up a bucket and started bailing out the ocean to find him, then switched to a wet/dry vacuum cleaner (see WET/DRY VACUUM CLEANER) and hoovered up the rest of it. Three seas away, Hobbes washes up on a golden-sanded island beach and opens a bar, but bans green bottles, also walls.

HOLIDAY DAY

Should he ever attain public office, Plucky has pledged to introduce a day's holiday celebrating the year's holiday days. Make your vote count.

HOSTAGE NEGOTIATOR VET - THE SERIES

(Toonplay.) Following a mouse incident (see MEECES/PIECES), billobv was eaten by a cat. Answering the telephone and realising help was needed, Rhia stepped out of the mousehole, reverted to normal size and picket up the cat, banging it on the back to get it to cough up billobv and some budgerigars. This didn't work, so she dropped a ladder and a packet of Trill down its throat, all of which hit billobv on the head in the approved manner. billobv managed to climb to freedom, except for being stuck in a hairball. The cat began to cough, while David, heedless of his own safety, filmed the events in the hope of selling the tape to The World's Greatest Rescues From Pets. The cat harfed explosively, sending billobv hurtling through the air, and ricocheting off a line of expensive collectible plates, a bowling ball rather preposterously left on the top shelf, a box of dodgy fireworks and into David, carrying them both into the refrigerator which slammed shut behind them to the sounds of dairy carnage. Afterwards, Rhia opened the door cautiously to reveal a final egg rolling around for far too long before falling on billobv's head in the approved manner. "Blimey," says David. "Hang on, is that a cheese you're holding?" notices billobv.

HOW HIGH IS UP?

(Toonplay.) Attempting to discover the height of the Toonplay location of the evening (a baseball dug-out, which is a bit like a cricket pavilion, except (erk) with spitting), billobv carpeted the ceiling in Velcro, put an accompanying hat on David Mouse and started throwing him upwards and catching him to see if he could get him high enough to stick. He could, but David was now too high for anyone to reach to pull down, so billobv had David put on some Velcro shoes, then put a Velcro hat on Okkay and started throwing her up and down as well, to see if he could get a chain going. With the third Velcro-hatted resident (Runt) billobv couldn't see where the other two were (the vaulted ceiling being too high for Taper's candle-y goodness to penetrate, or something), so Okkay started wiggling her toes as a guide. billobv then put on a straw hat, picked up a cane, shuffled Okkay's feet and called, "Round and round, round they go, where they stop, nobody knows! Find the queen of hearts, high or low, but you don't win if you find Okkay's toe." Everyone started betting piles of chocolate money, but at that point David remembered he hadn't tied his shoelaces, so Okkay fell off the ceiling on to billobv's head, scattering playing cards from his sleeves.

HOW MUCH IS A STONE?

"16 pounds!" says KT. "Free!" says Minerva Mink. "14 pounds seven inches!" says billobv. The answer is 12, but to a different question.

HOW TO DRAW BILLOBV

KT wondered idly how he would draw billobv were he to see him on a bus or something. billobv suggested it would be just some words (see BILLOBV: APPEARANCE) in a pleasing font, such as Attic, or the special billobv font he has constructed, but not yet scanned. Dot suggested a Doonesbury-style approach, using a floating rubber chicken. billobv votes against this by raising 68,033,519 hands in a box.

HUB CITY'S MARK (SIMPLIFIED FORM DUE TO ILLITERACY)

X. "H, surely?" points out billobv. Hub drops an aitch (on 'im).

HUG ATTACK

Emmy and Okkay attacked billobv mercilessly with hugs, heedless of his "Aghk!"s (see BILLOBV: STRENGTHS: GUARDED RESERVE). Pointing in a direction, billobv escaped by putting a hat emblazoned Hug Me on Plucky. "A narrow escape," says billobv gravely. "Hurrah!" adds Plucky.

billobv later gave Emmy a mechanical Hug-o-Tron, consisting of 36,014 arms and a button marked Hug, but she just used it to try to hug him again. He attempted to foil this second hug attack with his mechanical Anti-Hug-o-Tron, but the 36,014 arms slapped him about Three Stoogeishly instead.

---

ID COMPLEX'S EGO

Id Complex brought his ego to the Cafe with him. billobv patted it and gave it a biscuit, but soon it was being chased across country by Rex the Dine-Dimo (see RAD RAVEN), who was himself pursued by billobv2 and Rad Raven (see RAD RAVEN again) and, after a border incident, came close to provoking a huge fight. On reflection, Lola Bunny's declaration that "All egos must be checked at the door" ought to have been strictly observed. "If only I hadn't well-meaningly smuggled Id's ego through in disguise," says billobv. "I mean, if only someone hadn't," he corrects himself.

I'D HAVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT (IF IT HADN'T BEEN FOR YOU MEDDLING KIDS

KT was grilled by billobv. "Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of The Residents?" KT denied it vehemently, making his microphone go pop-pop-wheee. But now billobv sprang his clever trap. "In that case, why do you wear a mask? You don't? I thought it was a bit odd, a turtle wearing a mask shaped like a turtle." Just as the judge was about to bang his gavel and dismiss the case, WB Wolf loped forwards and tore off KT's head to reveal Joe Barbera. billobv then tore off WB's head to reveal Zeppo Marx. "It was a clever plan, Zeppo. Unable to express your natural comedic talents in the same way as your brothers, you adopted the persona of WB Wolf to yadda yadda yadda blah blah exposition wrap-up," he intoned. "And stop that," he aims at the Cafe patrons, who are running around tearing each other's heads off to reveal unsuspected masterminds.

ILLUMINATED SIGNS

Observing patrons flicking switches to illuminate signs, billobv tried his switch. A sign lit up that read "No Sign." Across the way, Plucky flicked a switch that lit up a sign reading "Sign Here." billobv strolled over and flicked the switch, but the sign read "Sign Moved." billobv took this as a sign and signed off.

ILL-THOUGHT-OUT THING THAT WENT NOWHERE

Taking advantage of Fu's new size (see RODENT OF UNUSUAL SIZE), billobv measured him for an excellent suit, planning to smuggle him into the stock exchange posing as a broker. Fu asked why. David Mouse asked why. The chorus asked why. billobv had no idea. "I'm putting this one under ILL-THOUGHT-OUT THING THAT WENT NOWHERE," he says, and has.

IMPENDING DOOM OF ENTIRE UNIVERSE

David Mouse brought it up, reminding billobv to flick the impending doom of entire universe switch to "Off."

IMPROVISED CHRISTMAS SONG

Forgetting the lyrics of The Twelve Days of Christmas, Chilly randomly inserted turtle doves instead. ("Six turtle doves, five golden rings, four turtle doves, three french hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree.")

IN LAST WEEK'S EPISODE

Captain Dan was about to be annihilated by Doctor Fiendish. Can Dan escape? (Pow!) No. "Wheee! Now we run the credits for half-an-hour," adds Emmy.

INSANITY

"Kinky Turtle is now known as What."

Within seconds, billobv was known as Whithertofore; David Mouse, Why; Vakko, How; Rad Raven, Where; Dakko, When; billobv, Kinky Turtle; Danger Mouse, billobv; David Mouse, Who; Danger Mouse, David Mouse; Rad Raven, I; Plucky, Where; Danger Mouse, It's; Kinky Turtle, This; billobv, The Narrator; David Mouse, Everybody; and Danger Mouse, billobv, attempting to convince everybody (not Everybody) that he was the real one. While marshalling his thoughts, billobv (the real one) was thrown off by Nickserv for being improperly named.

"This would be poetic justice if it weren't for me being entirely innocent," complains billobv (billobv) unconvincingly (adverb).

INTRODUCTION TO TOONPLAY

(Toonplay.) Alerted to the existence of #toonplay (see the explanatory notes at the top of the page of billobv) by Rhia and Runt sucking him in to it through a large straw (see also LAST STRAW, THE), billobv's introductory location was the slender branch of a large Christmas tree. "Owp! - This location could - aghk! - have been - oof! - better chosen, perhaps - Gaghk! Wow! Aghk! Ugh. It's okay, don't get up, I've landed," he opined. Rhia built him a nest, which he drove around at high speed, after souping it up with a big engine. Springing out of the way, Runt fell off a branch, but a different branch, so that's all right. billobv deftly caught the hurtling Runt in a fishing-net, but due to a miscalculation of density was immediately dragged down after him, shouting, "Brakes! Brakes!" Runt had left his in another tree or something, so quick-thinking billobv instantly wrote to the Better Brake Company, asking for their catalogue. Runt hoped they used first-class stamps, as the plunging duo were now only about fifteen feet from the ground, at which point Rhia, who'd been watching with some popcorn, flicked out her tail and hooked the net, making them boing up and down and their thanks to come out as "Tttthhhhhhaannkkks!" Rhia composed a song in celebration, with billobv accompanying her on the trumpet, except he'd got it wrong and it was a crumpet, which just made crumbs go everywhere.

INVISIBLE NUDES

Okkay, gripped by madness, dispensed photographs of naked invisible people.

ITALIAN JOB, THE

Legendary 1960s Brit caper movie involving Michael Caine, Noel Coward, three Mini Coopers and the world's largest traffic jam, finally available in widey-vision and seemingly completely unheard-of in America. Tsk.

IT'S A GRUEL WORLD

The saying that's often misquoted as "It's a cruel world" because the gruel one is stupid and makes no sense.

---

JAM

Eddie Izzard's favourite word.

Also, a strikingly bleak sketch show that, probably more than anything else, will never be shown outside Britain. Or repeated.

JEFF H BEAR'S CUE CARDS

Jeff had something witty to say, but forgot. billobv indicated his cue cards. Jeff became testy, because no one had mentioned them before and he'd been winging it for years. "That's right Jeff - no problems remembering witty lines with these cue cards!" says billobv, microseconds before dropping all of them everywhere in every direction at once. (See also FLAPPY CHEEKS.)

JEFF - STUNTBEAR

Dashing out of the Cafe, Jeff attempted to leap back in through a window, but they'd all been replaced with Lexan (a sort of armoured glass, or something) and he kept bouncing off. Eventually he crashed down through the skylight, but the move was disallowed on a technicality (involving landing on a judge) and it looked as if he wouldn't pass his stuntbear exam. Pointing in a direction, billobv slipped Jeff the answers, which were, "Fall down stairs... jump off building... flip double-decker bus 27 times... d)." Armed with a certificate, Jeff's first job was to double for Mr Fu being blown up in the next episode, and he was given a pair of adorable rat ears to wear so he'd be indistinguishable in the cutting, but Fu became cross (see CRUET FU) and did his own stunt thankyouverymuch, being blown up with a "Nyer" closely followed by an "Oh no! Aaarghh!" Meanwhile, Jeff doubles for the new Bond girl by adopting a voice.

JET ATOMIC AGE

What billobv is living in. Sort of like molesworth's young elizabethan bit, if you like.

JIGSAW BIT

billobv gave Plucky a 5,000-piece jigsaw of a 2,000-piece jigsaw with eight pieces missing. Chilly gave him the vacuum cleaner bag they were in, but on opening it exploded gigantically with a risible floop, layering everything in ash. Chilly cleaned him off with a wet paper towel and Emmy gave him a pair of sunglasses, leading to billobv's thinking he'd gone blind and visiting a qualified optician, who buffed and polished his eyes until, confident in his ocular powers, he could see a tiny, tiny pin in the far corner, except in crossing to it he fell over Donald Pleasence.

JONATHAN FOX

(Toonplay.) Rhia redrew Jonathan as a fox, making him officially a fox, which coincidentally was the same thing. billobv helped by putting huge Victorian beards on everybody, and prompting Rhia to sign her work to prove its authenticity, which she did with a tiny pawprint on the inside of Jonathan's elbow, then by signing her in turn, to show she wasn't a forgery either. "Good job I was here," phews billobv. Everyone clonks him with huge Victorian beards.

JOURNEY TO THE CENTRE OF DAVID MOUSE'S HEAD

Following the game of pupil pupong (see PUPIL PUPONG), billobv jumped into David Mouse's head. After accidentally switching off his eyes and deliberately twanging some neuron connections to see if he could make David dance or juggle or something, billobv came across a big thick leather book marked THOUGHTS. Reverently picking it up, he failed to notice it was a loose-leaf binder and dropped the pages all over the place, then stood on an electric fan, which made them whoosh about in a whirlwind. Grabbing handfuls of pages and stuffing them back in the binder in an order, billobv managed to save the day, triumphantly reaching the other side of David's head and popping back out. There were a few pages left over, but they probably weren't important anyway, so billobv crumpled them up and threw them in a bin. "That was close," says David, shaking billobv by the hand. "For a helicopter moment there I completely farm-house everything."

---

KATHY'S SQUOILING FOR A FIGHT

"Hey, I like the sound of the phrase," defends billobv. Kathy decks him with a single blow.

KINKY AND THE BRAIN

This one explains itself.

KINKY LOVE

A song by the Pale Saints that billobv effortfully recorded by electric means. KT pronounced it "Neat!" so that's gratifying.

KINKY TURTLE'S BIRTHDAY

After exactly a year, it was Kinky Turtle's birthday. As part of the celebrations, KT put on his new birthday suit, leaving billobv free to shell Plucky's navy except to miss. (See ADMIRAL PLUCKY.) KT was so taken with the thrills of the day that he eventually left still wearing his birthday suit, causing screeching tyres and fainty screams. No moral could be detected.

KINKY TURTLE'S BISTRO

KT has cleared out the dusty cellar of the new Cafe and constructed a charming bistro. billobv, while ordering a glass of orange juice, discovered there is also a sub-basement, by falling down its stairs, and that the sub-basement is flooded, by drowning. Fortunately for the floundering sink-gent, WB Wolf offered around mugs of cocoa, and by using his mug as a bail, billobv was able to drink himself to safety. The (now drained) sub-basement is currently unused, as billobv has trapped Bugzy's goad down there with a piano on the door. (See BUGZY'S GOAD.)

KNOWLEDGE-BASED PUN

After KT was disappointed by narrowly missing out on a medal, billobv asked if he knew anything about dinosaurs. KT did know something about dinosaurs, so billobv awarded him a diplomadocus.

KT'S 7-UP CARTOON

It emerged during KT's seven-letter phase (see PUNCH UP THE DIALOGUE) that he had drawn a cartoon in which he drank the popular chemical liquid 7-Up, and as a result was unable to speak except in seven-letter words. "Mmmmmmm! Amazing-tasting soda-pop refresh thirsty drinker!" he exclaimed in panel two. "Taxicab!" he continued in panel three, having run out of ideas. billobv awards him a chclate medalle.

KT'S AMERICA

A KT version of famous tune-song Wakko's America, which is being worked on even as you read these words with the eyes of your head, unless you're KT, in which case that's what you're doing instead. Also, you left a can of Dr Pepper behind last time. We've put it in the fridge.

KT'S FREQUENCY

billobv clonked KT's shell with a tuning fork to ascertain his frequency. It was Tonk. "Heigh ho," says billobv.

KT'S LITERARY CARTOON TEAM-UP

Roget Rabbit and Gertie the Thesaurus.

KT'S POLITICAL CAREER

Revealing his middle name to be Scandal, KT embarked on a campaign to be elected President (a sort of Prime Minister). Ill-advisedly singing during adviser Dakko's briefing, KT made a speech based on raising things and lowering other things, but got the things the wrong way around. Weirdguy, as a brilliant satirical comic, impersonated KT in a scathing and blistering manner, causing KT to drop 200,000,000 points in the polls. Dakko advised KT to try the middle class, but billobv lifted the middle class to show the pea wasn't there. billobv cued Jeff to deliver the punchline, but due to a slight mix-up with the cue cards (see JEFF H BEAR'S CUE CARDS), Jeff punched KT right in his bag of pretzels. KT's polls immediately jumped 200,000,007 points as his policy of being thumped in public found favour with the public. Jeff was hired to smack KT on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper whenever he made a speech, but after being hit on the nose 17,222 times KT bribed Jeff with free pizza, then retired from politics to open a newspaper stand.

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LAWYER BIT

Hired as DM's lawyer, billobv champed, "My client is a packet of biscuits. This case is incontestable because the defendant is made of water. If you eat curtains, you gain kudos among zebras." He was under the impression the commission was for a liar. The judge raps him with a gavel.

LICH LORD'S DRESS

billobv had always imagined the Cafe's resident undead patron, Lich Lord, to be clad in a flowing black cloak. Instead, he turns out to be wearing an old T-shirt and leather trousers. "This was not impressively classy," says billobv, "so I gave LL a flowing black cloak, which he accepted with minimal violence. Hurrah!" Lich Lord hasn't yet noticed that the back of the cloak lights up with the message, "Eat at Joe's." What will happen next? Several people will eat at Joe's, presumably.

LICHY LICH, THE DEAD LITTLE LICH KID

Vakko's description of Lich Lord (see EVERYTHING (LICH LORD) FALLS APART AND MORE), which billobv likes lots.

LL is further called Uncle Lichy by Danger Mouse, which amuses LL exactly not at all.

His lack of amusement was further heightened again by billobv posing Danger Mouse and LL together in authentic Victorian gear, thumping off a rickety box camera flash shot, then framing the sepia print and hanging it with the elaborately-scrolled caption, "Mr Mouse and Uncle Lichy."

LIVE UPDATE WITH DOT WARNER

A fast-breaking news programme that swept the ratings in a dramatic new interpretation of the word "swept." Dot's contract was nevertheless renewed, but due to a technical error no one else's was, so every day at 6pm she now sits in an empty studio and sort of swings her feet and reads a book or whatever until the weather comes on, or would do if there were any. A Best Of compilation video will be available in plenty of time for the Christmas market.

LITTLE DOMES

billobv has been handing out those little domes with snow and reality in. "Well, that's L," he says, then adds several more entries and spoils it like a fool.

LOLA BUNNY'S VOICEOVER

Considering a career in voice acting, Lola gave as an audition her Scottish hillbilly cat. It won her the presitigous Best Newcomer Scottish Hillbilly Cat award.

LOLA'S LOOT

Inspired by the Daffy Duck short where he lays a golden egg, Lola pointed a gun at Plucky. This caused him to lay a golden egg, which Lola distributed among the Cafe using a gold-cutting knife or something. billobv planted his own fifteenth share of the egg like the potato in the story of the two blokes and the potato, and grew a golden eggplant, which he placed in the Cafe kitty (not kitty). The episode of sensible investment (see also TONY PANTHER'S MACKEREL) was marred only by Lola accidentally firing the gun, causing a bullet to pursue billobv ricochetingly for the rest of the evening at a low speed.

LOOKING PHAR(FIGNEWTON) BACK INTO HISTORY

Pharfignewton toiled at writing about a set of historical photographs. billobv displayed his own set of historical photographs, which showed billobv with Spencer Perceval, billobv with the old man of the mountains, and billobv with a photograph of billobv and Spencer Perceval. Everyone runs into the hills as he reaches for an 8mm projector.

LORD OF THE MOUSIE DANCE

Prompted by the Hamster Dance, David put on a straw boater, waved a cane and began dancing up and down the bartop. billobv started selling Dancin' David T-shirts, mugs, emblems, badges, bumper stickers, LPs, gyrating figurines, fire hydrants and high-quality collectible dinnerware. David put all the money into chocolate teapots, making billobv scrabble for a pen and a power of attorney, but too late. But! David had been eyeing the lucrative former-Soviet-Union chocolate teapot market, and quadrupled the merchandising revenues, using the colossal fortune to buy a bag of crisps. "This crisp is worth over seventy thousand pounds," sobbed billobv. "Also, it's Worcester Sauce. Bleugh." Liquidating the bag of crisps, David safely stored his sack of cash in a large fireplace, but then felt a bit chilly. "Here, use this petrol-soaked rag and bucket of napalm to start a fire," said billobv. After an incident, David picked up a bucket of water and threw it accurately, but it was vodka instead, and blew billobv up the chimney. Tony Fox alerted the air force, resulting in missiles missing billobv, but hitting Sylvester Fox's car, which annoyed Sylvester, especially as he was in the car. Qaianna turned up demanding to know what had happened to reduce Sylvester to some parts in a bucket, and billobv and David called on God to save the day, but God refused unless they cut him in on the T-shirt deal, then fingered billobv as the culprit anyway for a joke. "I just come here for the coffee," says David, idly feeding some coloured paper through a shredding machine.

LUPINE VULPINE

A phrase of Yakko's that's an excellent name for a Victorian villainess.

---

MAESTRO! FORTISSIMO

Maestro strolled into the Cafe. billobv and KT broke into reverentially hushed calls of "Leopold!" and swung a spotlight as he took the podium. Maestro brilliantly leapt to the floor, dashing water in his dazzled night-vision eyes, as billobv and KT broke into wild applause. "Bravo! Fortissimo! Encore!"

MAGIC

Having had mistletoe duct-taped to his head by WB Wolf, billobv magically made it disappear under the cover of a towel using only a pair of scissors and loud tearing noises. He then produced a coin from Wilford's ear and smashed Plucky's watch to bits before wrapping it in... hang on... Look, another coin from Wilford's ear!

MAGICAL FINGERS OF BILLOBV

billobv asked KT to pick 51 cards. KT picked the 51 of clubs. billobv pinched the bridge of a nose and intoned, "Is it... the 51 of clubs?" but Frostbite objected to his nose being used in the trick. billobv insisted that although it was Frostbite's face, he, billobv, had paperwork showing the nose was his, and gave Frostbite a 0.02 second glance of an old laundry list. Frostbite froze the list and shattered it. "Now I'll never get my socks back," says billobv.

MANCHESTER RULES

Playing with Margaret Mink using Manchester Rules, billobv dealt seven cards and laid down the two of hearts. Spotting the gap in his tactical play, Margaret unleashed a pack of lager louts, winning the hand.

MANKY

An excellent word meaning of poor quality, or dirty, that David Mouse used and which completely baffled KT's multiple linguals. David's clever suggestion that manky sounds horrible anyway (like, say, dank or mangy) was slightly spoiled by Vakko coughing "Swanky" in an "Inheritance" sort of way.

MARGARET DROPS HER SPROGS

After a suitable gestation period, Margaret Mink dropped her sprogs: three girls and a boy. They are Beatrix, Grace, Faith and Stuart, the family's progressing splendidly, and Fu's a big fan. (See CRUET FU.)

MATRIX, THE

My goodness, people really are easily pleased, aren't they? (See also THE SIXTH SENSE. Or rather, don't.)

MEECES/PIECES

(Toonplay.) Finding himself in another Toonplay location (a mousehole, with everyone shrunk to mouse size accordingly) (except any mouse residents, who kept their dimensions) (for some reason), billobv noticed outside a huge cat. "That's Jim," explained Nakko. billobv strode outside to say good evening. There was a loud yowl, a sound like fifty thousand tin tea trays falling down an echoey lift shaft, a bang, two more bangs, a squeal and a crash. billobv staggered back in. "Yes, silly me, you didn't actually say he was friendly." Mintaka hosepiped the cat with special skunk powers, leaving the way free to the refrigerator. David, jamming on a gas mask, scampered outside, bagsying the cheese, but billobv was not to be denied his chunk, and there developed a chase. billobv passed David in a little red wind-up car, slaloming between table legs in the approved manner, and probably going up an ironing board at one point. Due to insufficient winding, the mainspring began to run down, allowing David to dash past. billobv jumped out of the car, kicked the tyres, and fished around for his Pocket Eric Sykes, which he instructed to sabotage the route ahead while he wound up the key again and zoomed off alarmingly. A way in front, David spotted a detour sign and took a detour, which billobv, following, shrewdly ignored and crashed through, falling down a ravine. Shortly the Pocket Eric Sykes came running up to change the signs, and billobv hit him with his hat, then sent the Pocket Eric Sykes off first this time. Meanwhile, David had reached the refrigerator, but couldn't get up to the door handle. billobv arrived and, pulling a lever, extended his car upwards on one of those big sproingy trellis grabber things no one could remember the name of. But he'd neglected to check the tensile strength, and started waving around at the top like a plate in a Chinese juggling routine. David took advantage of the distraction to climb up the trellis thing, then jump across to the handle, let himself into the refrigerator and make off with the cheese. billobv, regaining control of the circuiting car, noticed the open door and concluded the Pocket Eric Sykes must have disintegrated it with a ray gun, leaving the way clear to the cheese. As David returned to the mousehole with a big cheese-shaped head, the Pocket Eric Sykes alerted billobv by semaphore to the return of the skunked-up and ferociously angry cat. Thinking quickly, billobv leapt into a large roast chicken, where the cat would never find him. The company tactfully fades out the following scene, but fades back in a bit later. (See HOSTAGE NEGOTIATOR VET - THE SERIES.)

MELODY MEPHIT'S SLOUCH

Resisted strenuous attempts by Plucky to free Melody of it, which billobv generally considered a good thing, as undoubtedly Plucky's well-meant cracklings would have led to packs of wild slouches roaming the streets. "Have you ever been attacked by a slouch?" asks billobv. "It is like trying to fight off a bag."

MENDELEVIUM

The best entry in a metals/chemicals pun routine. ("KT finds the defendant innocent and orders the security mendelevium alone.")

MEPE

(Toonplay.) An exclamation invented by Mintaka which is a bit like Pepe le Pew meeping. ("Ah, ze mepe" - that sort of thing.) (Whatever meeping is, anyway.) (See also FWAH!)

MICE OF THE LIVING DEAD

Taking pity on Mr Fu, who had been killed in the traditional manner, David Mouse brought the collapsed rat back from the dead as a zombie. Fu, staggering around in a zombie fashion, but unnoticed as this is hard to pull off on four legs, bit off David's hand. This caused David to become a zombie also, although with equally rubbish powers. (David, stumbling after potential victim Masem while drooling heavily: "Hey, don't go... I just wanna... uh... talk to you about something...") billobv, arriving at the critical moment, except just after the critical moment, observed David's stumpy appearance and gave him a sinister metal claw, then turned to straighten a tablecloth or something, thus missing David using the claw to drag himself into the rafters (see RAFTERS) after the increasingly suspicious Masem. Upon realising the cafe was crawling with zombie rodents, billobv flashed into action, shooting Fu accurately through the head while trying to wind his watch. This cured Fu of being a zombie, but left him completely dead. billobv attempted to counteract both problems by biting Fu with his pocket vampire, but the ruse failed. Meanwhile, David rampaged slothfully around, driving billobv to rebuild Fu as the mighty robot Mecha-Fuzilla to save the world from the zombie David (zombid? Dombie?) menace. Armed with a powerful theme song ("Fu! Fu! Fu! He'll step rashly onto you. Tum-da-daaaa (percussion bit, needs work)") Mecha-Fuzilla stomped towards David ("Daaaaaavid, King of Zombies, la la la la la la something-ombies") only for Yakko to knock out his batteries anarchically. Thus David, King of Zombies triumphed over Mecha-Fuzilla in the world's most useless fight. (The zombie-ism came out in the wash, or something, by the way, so that's all right then.)

MIGHTSHIRT, THE

The Cafe's long-running radio adventure serial, starring Matt Fox as the heroic defender of right at night. Here's an extract.

ANNOUNCER: Matt Fox harboured an amazing secret. By day a perfectly ordinary executive costermonger - by night, thanks to the power of his ludicrous sleeping garments - scourge of evil - proponent of justice - THE MIGHTSHIRT! Also starring William Shatner as Inspector Oldfatbloke.

(MUSIC UP AND OUT.)

SECOND COSTERMONGER: Jeepers, Matt! Looks like those alien invaders mean business.

MATT FOX (ASIDE): Hmmm. Clearly a job for The Mightshirt - but it's only half-past four in the afternoon and I'm wide awake. Zounds. Earth is doomed! Until at least twelve midnight.

At that point, Matt hastily left the Cafe. During his absence, the invasion was mysteriously repelled. He returned, expressing plastic regret that he'd missed all the excitement.

MIGHTY VOWEL CHALLENGE

KT challenged Weirdguy to avoid using the letter I for the rest of the evening. (He used Y instead.) KT then challenged billobv to use no vowel except I for the rest of the evening, but billobv pointed out it was always a good evening where he was, so he'd be stuck like it, well, all evening. Shortly afterwards, KT, eschewing Es, was mysteriously stuffed into a box of rubber snakes by two figures vaguely resembling Weyrdguy and billibv.

MINERVA FAN'S AEROPLANE

Piling into MF's 1950s D-6 aeroplane, the Cafe patrons remarkably failed to crash it while watching the in-flight film. KT was mentioning how he names his sketchbooks when billobv pointed out how confusing this would be once he had 719 of them, and named everything "billobv" to help. Tragically this left a cabin full of billobvs looking into camera as billobv the pilot stared blankly at an instrument panel exclusively labelled "billobv", but at least billobv couldn't be found to blame, until billobv (KT) named billobv (billobv) Sadie. billobv (KT) went on to realise that all Sadie had done was to splap stickers on everything that read "Hello, My Name Is billobv," and by peeling them off, equilibrium was restored. The aeroplane was then shot at by anti-aircraft batteries, but Plucky donned aviator's goggles and dropped tea trays and horrid plastic-wrapped lunches on them until they were destroyed, or had stopped for lunch. billobv then accidentally set his head on fire and was thoughtfully pushed out of the aeroplane by Sylvester Fox without a parachute to reduce by 100% the chances of that bit with the ripcord and lots of cutlery or whatever coming out.

MINERVA FAN AND HOBBES

Used to be Minerva Fan. Is now Hobbes. The connection is established.

MINERVA MINK GOES WHIP-CRAZY APE BONKERS

For a reason, Minerva began cracking a whip with remarkable accuracy - knocking a hat harmlessly into the air (which made billobv jump back in alarm and fall under a Wells Fargo coach) and putting out some candles (causing billobv to fall down a steep flight of cellar steps on his rickety way to replace a fuse). Later, Minerva fell asleep during Fu's science lecture, so billobv helpfully pinned a "Do Not Disturb" notice to her back. However, Minerva was woken by the pin, so beat him up despite protestations it was figurative. "If there's a moral here, I can't see it," says billobv. "Although being stuffed in this inkwell doesn't help."

MINERVA-MINK

The second Minerva, appearing after billobv painted another head on the original, which went on to pull away and extrude a body of its own. (Except not as spooky-1950s-movie as that sounds.) Everyone started playing up to M-M with a view to copping a snog, except billobv, who fell down a flight of steps. Minerva- expressed alarm, but billobv explained, "No need to worry, Miss -Mink, I entirely intended to bounce down this flight of steps o